by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy
(ISAAC sits on an uptown-bound A train, late at night. The train stops at 72nd Street.)
CONDUCTOR (V.O.): (over the loudspeaker) This is 72nd Street, next stop 81st Street. Stand clear of the closing doors.
CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Excuse me, sir. Please pick up that garbage you just threw onto the platform.
CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Yes, sir, you. In the hat. The one sticking your head out. I’m looking at you. See me? Hi. Please pick up your trash and put it in a garbage can. There’s one a few steps down on the platform. We’ll wait for you.
(People look around, laughing a bit. Others poke their heads out the open doors.)
CONDUCTOR (V.O.): There you go. You picked up the trash. Now take it to the garbage can. We’re all waiting on you, buddy. People want to get home.
(Hoops and hollers are heard from other cars.)
CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Thank you. You don’t see me going to your place of work and throwing my trash around. I got to be down here all day. It’s just common courtesy. Stand clear of the closing doors, please, 81st Street is next.
(The doors close and the train continues north. People are laughing and clapping a little.)
CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Seriously, I don’t understand some of you. You bring that trash down here with you, you can take it out with you too. You leave your food, your bottles, your garbage on all of the trains and then you have the nerve to complain that the trains are dirty.
WOMAN ACROSS FROM ISAAC: Fuck! Now we all in trouble!
Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.