10 things Bob learned from his first year of dog ownership.
By Bob Simpson (Writer)
Shortly after marrying the coolest girl on earth, my new bride and I decided that one month was long enough to wait to fulfill one of our greatest dreams: dog ownership. We searched a number of shelters, but based on a friend's recommendation decided to try out the Pasadena Humane Society. There, on our first visit, we met Fred Rogers:
Fred Rogers got his name from a childhood desire to name a dog after my favorite TV show, and decades later I'm making that dream come true. Fred is my best buddy, and I consider the day we got him to be the second most important day in my life (after getting married, of course).
Obviously, Emily and I had never owned a dog before (we grew up with tons of them, but their lives were never directly in our hands), so suffice to say, we had a lot to learn. As this was my first year of dog ownership, I'd like to share with you the following list.
The 10 Things I Learned from Dog Ownership in 2011
10. Sweaters are rad
Fred doesn't have a thick coat, so he's pretty susceptible to cold. What I soon learned about Fred is that he freaking loves wearing sweaters. Seriously, I could pull out one of his sweaters in the middle of the desert in August and he'd lose his mind. He's a fashionable dude.
9. My balls are evil things
If there's one thing Fred likes more than sweaters, it's jumping on my balls. He does this four times a day, with no regard for the future children that I hope to have or the fact that it feels like a jackhammer landing on my gonads. I swear to God he gets his jollies from ruining my balls, probably because he was neutered.
8. Fred Rogers understands English
I know some dogs can understand basic English commands like sit, stay, etc., but Fred has now expanded his vocabulary to include dog park, walk, and full-character crossover.
7. Dog food is boring
Fred is the first dog I've ever met that will absolutely not eat his food until 11:59 P.M. It will sit in his bowl all damn day, gathering dust, until a few moments before he goes to bed. People food, on the other hand, is to be stalked and consumed at all costs.
6. When you're being ignored, just piss everywhere
Fred did this a few times early in our relationship, but stopped after a particular occurence when I was cleaning off my bearded dragon, Gorbash, after I had surgery on my toe. Fred, deciding he was being ignored, walked right up me, looked me in the eye, and pissed everywhere. My rage was palpable (those pills didn't calm me down at all), and he's held it all in since then.
5. Heaven is a dog park
This statement applies to both the dog and the dog owner. Seriously, if you're having a bad day and have time to spare, go take the dog to a dog park (or go alone if you don't own a dog, which is not like when a dude goes to hang out at a playground by himself). It's the most enjoyable thing on earth.
4. That dog next door is an asshole
Again, this is something that Fred and I agree on, though Fred is the only one that's honest and vocal about it.
3. 8:00 AM is peeing time
Whether you want to get up or not, 8:00 is time to pee. Should you break the rules and press the snooze button, Fred will stare at you, his nose just a few inches from your face, until you get your lazy butt out of bed and let him urinate on stuff.
2. Going for a walk is a great opportunity to irritate your human
Fred does this in a number of ways, whether it be obsessively smelling a square foot of wall because some dog peed there in the last ten years, or suddenly bolting after a bird/squirrell/other dog, practically tearing your arm out of its socket.
1. Coming home from work is the best part of the day
Once again, this is from both of our perspectives. When I open that door after a long day at work, Fred is right there to greet me, usually with one of his favorite toys in his mouth. This, coupled with the fact that I also get to see my wife, makes coming home from work a great end to any day.
So, I learned a lot in my first year of dog ownership, and knowing how tough Fred is, I've got a few more decades of learning to do. I look forward to every lesson.
BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
EMAIL HIM/HER | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR
A buffet of discomfort this year.
By Jenny Donoghue
Unclear if these people have been confusing the North Korean with the Lady Rapper for the entirety of their respective careers, or if it was just in this instance.
2. The wild chanting of "USA! USA!" the moment we found out Osama Bin Laden had been killed. My liberal friends in a Lower East Side bar were suddenly possessed with that terrifying Spirit of America. So jarring I couldn't help but awkward-laugh. It was the first time in 5 years of living with you guys that I understood the mean things other countries say about you.
Rebel Without A PrimeTimeTVShow.
4. The world not ending. Sorry, Family Radio, May 21 was just a day. Also, the name of your radio station is misleading, consider changing it. Intense Christian Radio is my suggestion. Take it or leave it.
5. Natalie Portman's laugh in her Oscar acceptance speech.
Almost as awkward as Winona Ryder stabbing herself in the face in the movie.
6. Michele Bachmann being told by an 8 year old that his gay mother doesn't need "fixing". Neatly captures her transformation from passing for a kindly human woman to revealling herself as a heartless beast. Just like this.
This montage haunted my dreams in the Spring of 2011. I must have listened to it at least One Hundred Million times in my stint as a Times Square flierer.
Also super awkward was the stalker who hung around waiting for the girls who came out dressed as Alice to promote the show.
8. Ron Paul and everything he says. Especially AIDS comments which make him seem like he's trying to alienate not just potential voters but all normal human beings. His awkwardness peaked when I misread his street campaign as “Ru Paul for President 2012”. That would be so much better.
Bonus awkward for Paltrow: Hold up, Gwyneth has a lifestyle website! Named Goop?! Surely the least stylish name for a lifestyle website. Not that it matters as probably no one will visit it. Paltrow, Oprah's gap isn't yours to fill.
10. The Kardashian marriage scam. As if the woman wasn't already fake enough.
I am 98% sure she is a robot.
11. A woman suing a dead man because his severed body parts hit her as he was killed by a train. Quintessentially American, deeply disturbing.
As 2011 draws to a close, remember two things, my fellow humans. Firstly, time isn't real. Well, it kind of is. But don't get depressed about it. You just gotta keep getting up in the morning.
Secondly, if 2011 taught us nothing else, it affirmed that awkwardness is both awesome and inevitable.
The seeds of 2012's first awkwardness have already begun to spread. You can almost feel it creeping up you spine.
Go forth and frolick in 2012, dear Crazytowners. Hope each one of you has a very happy and interesting year!
JENNY DONOGHUE Made in Wales, matured in NY. Currently living in London. Like some kind of delicious weird mid-Atlantic cheese. Actor, sometimes writer, all-times human. www.jennydonoghue.com
EMAIL HER | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR
A look back at the weird things KMM blogged about this year.
By Kevin Michael Murphy(Actor-Voice Teacher)
Not gonna lie. I use this blog and its readership as a platform for my own amusement...and in cased you missed it, it's been a crazy year.
Remember the time I blogged about:
Like Aaliyah (God rest her soul) said, "We need a resolution."
By Geoffrey Kidwell (actor)
I’ve always really liked the idea of New Year’s Resolutions – the idea that every 365 days a person can assess his life, his choices, his relationships, and then determine what he wants to change and what he wants to maintain. It’s a lovely idea. Very practical. I don’t know. My family is Midwestern. Maybe that’s why I like it so much.
The problem, of course, is that when a person chooses just one resolution it’s quite likely that at some point he’ll fail at keeping it. Say, for example, I decide that I’m not going to be afraid of little people anymore. I’m going to muster up all my courage and face my fears. Well, the minute I turn on Little People Big World and have a full-scale Chernobyl-sized meltdown, I’ve failed.
So that’s why I, in all my vast wisdom, like to choose a bunch of small resolutions to work on, therefore increasing the odds that I’ll accomplish some sort of personal growth, which my therapist says I really ought to star working on. Apparently, drinking out of juice boxes and watching Saturday morning cartoons is a sign of something called “arrested development.”
So if you’ll indulge me, dear reader, I’d like to share a list of tiny resolutions I hope to keep over the next year. I thought of these while laying in bed last night, so they’re pretty much hot off the presses of my mind.
Don’t judge. Or do. It doesn’t matter because one of my resolutions is to not worry so much about what people think of me. So there. Bite me.
Here we go:
In continuation of crazytown's end of the year countdown of awesomeness...here are the online videos of 2011 that had this blogger in stiches. I won't say they were the best, but they certainly made for some giggles.
By Ryan Bogner (Enjoyer of viral videos)
7. The Onion News Network makes fun of every newscast ever.
6. Chinese Old People Love Lady Gaga
5. SCHMOYOHO: Nascar Driver Song
4 Honey Badger doesn't give a shit
3. Don Cheadle is CAPTAIN PLANET (from Funny or Die)
2. BAD LIP READING: MICHAEL BUBLE RUSSIAN UNICORN
1. SIRI ARGUMENT (via College Humor)
And a Holiday Bonus:
DRUNK HISTORY CHRISTMAS
Here's to 2011! and to a great 2012!
RYAN BOGNER is a New York based Theater Producer. He has produced Yeast Nation, Hurricane, Hater and Hey, You Know What Movie Would Make a Good Musical? among others, and is working towards an MFA in Theater Management and Producing at Columbia University. www.heyyouknowwhatproductions.com
Each year brings new people, new things, new experiences. Here are a few of my favorite discoveries from this year; perhaps they will warm you heart and wet your panties as well (as a side note, I have tried to use "panties" in every lead line of 2011, you're welcome).
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic)
These items, or the events surrounding them by which I came across these items, are all things I am so happy and grateful for in 2011. In no particular order:
All things theatre that inspired, informed, and reinvented in 2011.
By Kimberly Lew (Playwright/Blogger)
Probably one of the biggest transitions I’ve made this past year was leaving my job working in theatre publishing to pursue a longtime passion of traditional publishing, helping do research for a consultancy and writing articles about the industry. Aside from missing my work with great writers and plays, along with my coworkers, one of my biggest fears with changing jobs was moving away from the theatre community. No longer being immersed in plays 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I was nervous that I would lose touch with what was going on in the industry.
All the worry quickly faded, however, when I realized all the opportunities I had to still engage with some of my favorite theatre companies, get news on industry, and become acquainted with exciting new work. There have been a lot of things over the past year that have kept my passion and relationship with theatre alive, so I thought I would share 10 of those things (in no particular order):
Discovering the 2011 songs behind the images.
By Matthew Murphy (Photographer)
Even though my career is image based, I find that in many ways it's equally music oriented. In fact, there's rarely a time when I'm creating images--be it the shooting itself or the post production--when I'm not listening to music. My boyfriend refers to this music obsession as my non-stop "dance party," which results in me walking into a room or getting into a car and immediately seeking out the easiest, fastest way to get music pumping through the speakers. I seek out new music on a daily basis and lovingly consider myself a music whore, where no artist or song is too mainstream or too bizarre.
With this in mind, I've collected two top ten lists for 2011: THE TOP TEN SONGS FOR PHOTO SHOOTS (upbeat songs my Murphy Made clients undoubtedly heard to get them in the mood for their shoots) and THE TOP TEN SONGS FOR PHOTO EDITING (mellower songs that I listen to when finessing someone's stray hairs or popping the contrast of an image). Feel free to leave your favorites in the comments section...we music whores can never get enough.
TOP TEN PHOTOSHOOT SONGS OF THE YEAR
10. "SCHEIBE"-Lady Gaga
Love or hate Born This Way, it's hard to deny a pop song that starts with a German chant and then evolves (or devolves) into a chorus centering around "shit."
9. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN"-Rihanna
8. "I'LL BE WAITING"-Adele
She was everywhere this year. And of all the songs on 21, this is the one that can get me dancing every time.
7. "SHAKE IT OUT"-Florence and the Machine
6. "SOMETHING GOOD CAN WORK"-Two Door Cinema Club
5. "BROKEN RECORD"-Katy B
4. "SHOW ME THE LIGHT"-Mystery Jets
I stumbled upon this band while I was in London and have had this song on repeat ever since.
3. "SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW"-Gotye feat. Kimbra
2. "RADAR DETECTOR"-Darwin Deez
Sure, this song came out in 2010, but it's been in constant rotation ever since. Without fail it comes on at my shoots and people stop to ask who it is. Fun bonus fact: Darwin sang this song at my sister's wedding in September.