Just kidding. I hate it.
By Geoffrey Kidwell (actor)
Let’s talk about auditioning for a second. And by “talk” I mean that I’m going to write a bunch of stuff, you’re going to read it, laugh a bit – or chuckle, chortle, whatever – and then hopefully feel a tingle in that place where your heart used to be before you moved to New York and it shrank to be ten sizes too small.
Deal? Deal.
The thing about auditioning is that…well...it sucks. Right? There’s kind of just no way around it. I’ve tried to think of a way to change my perspective on auditioning to make it feel less like having my fingernails ripped off one by one, but alas, I have failed each time.
I’ve had friends and mentors give me all kinds of advice:
“Geoffrey, think of auditioning as another chance to perform.” Okay. I get that. Except for that when you perform you’re A.) getting paid and B.) being clapped for. Whereas when you audition, you’re A.) so nervous and nauseous you feel like you’re going to vomit the little bit of lunch you managed to scarf down and B.) singing for a casting associate who might be busying himself with an intense game of Angry Birds on his iPad.
“Alright, Geoffrey. How about thinking about auditioning as a free class. Especially dance auditions. You learn a combination and then have to perform it quickly. It’s a great way to hone your skills.” Ya, I suppose that’s true...except for that when I fall flat on my ass in a dance class, the other guys in the room run over to help me up. When I fall in an audition they think, “One bitch down, only ten more to go before I’m a Broadway chorus boy.”
But I guess the truth is, there’s really no other way to get most acting jobs.
(Well there is one other way to get a job. And while my morals are loose and my self-esteem low, I just don’t have the energy to do the horizontal mambo with so many people.)
And so I’ve decided from here on out I’m just going to think of auditioning as a necessary evil, kind of like getting a colonoscopy or hanging out with your rich friend who is really damn annoying but who buys you stuff and takes you on trips.
People don’t get jobs by not auditioning – unless they’re TV stars, movie stars or Snookie.
(I bet we’ll be seeing her in Chicago some time in the near future.)
So here’s my advice to you:
Just suck it up. Don’t try and pretend like auditioning is a blast. Don’t try and convince yourself that you love it. Just accept that it sucks a big one and do it anyway.
Hopefully one day you won’t have to audition, but in the meantime, grab your rolling suitcase, throw on your cotton jersey dress, and get your butt down to Ripley-Grier Studios.
When you get the job, you’ll be glad you did.
AND NOW…THE WEEK IN WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!
As you well-know, I adore Whitney Houston. But did you also know that I'm a big fan of her cousin, Miss Dionne Warwick? Bet you didn't know that. Why do I love her, you ask. Well, I love her raspy I've-been-chain-smoking-since-pre-school voice. I love her music and I love the fact that her nostrils are so big you can see into her brain and predict her thoughts. It's fun. Anway, this clip combines two of my faves: Whitney Houston's voice and Dionne Warwick's songs. Here you go:
GEOFFREY KIDWELL Geoffrey is an actor/manny in NYC. He spends his days just trying to figure it out.
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