ENTER CROTCH FIRST

A guide to feeling confident...or at least pretending.
By Geoffrey Kidwell (actor)

When I was a fourth grader at Our Lady of Guadalupe Elementary School (yes, that was the real name), I had a friend named, Stephanie Gabrielli. Correction: I had a FRENEMY named, Stephanie Gabrielli. You see, Stephanie and I were constantly in competition: Who could be the most popular? Who could get the best grades? Who could go the furthest in an epic lunchtime game of Four Square?

To be honest, Stephanie usually beat me out.

On one particular rainy spring day, my arch-nemesis found me on the playground and said to me – and I’m pretty sure I’m quoting directly here – “My mom is getting married and you can’t come!”

Say what?!  I was shocked.

First of all, I like to think that I would have been the ideal date. I was about four feet tall by four feet wide. I had a killer bowl haircut. And I was an expert at creating dance routines to Paula Abdul songs.

I mean...must I remind you:

Hello! Who wouldn't have wanted me at their mom's wedding? 

I was crushed and the worst part was that Stephanie’s mom’s fiancé was GORGEOUS – such a hunk. He looked like a Ken doll and his name was Ken. Not kidding.

Anyway, after Stephanie made this proclamation I remember walking away with my tail between my legs and my unicorn lunchbox dangling at my side.

Such a tragic scene.

Unfortunately, this represents only one example of a time in my life when instead of acting with confidence and chutzpah , I allowed myself to be defeated.

Wah Wah.

Fast forward to two weeks ago:

I’m at my weekly therapy session – yep – and I’m telling my therapist how I struggle sometimes as an actor with remaining confident in a city full of such talented people. I’m waxing on and on about how I get so intimated by the city and all the incredible artists running around and abruptly, he stops me and asks me a question:

“How did you know Robert (my boyfriend) was the one for you?”

“Well,” I reply, “I just knew. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘That hot piece of ass is gonna be mine’”

Okay, it wasn’t quite so gay porn voiceover, but the point is that I felt extremely confident. I knew that Robert was the guy for me.

So my therapist says to me, “Do you know what that confidence was?”

“Um…I don’t know. I may have just been drunk.”

“No stupid (he doesn’t really call me stupid. Although, that would be funny). That was your libido talking.”

My libido?

And that’s when it hit me:

It’s time I start living my life crotch first.

Think about it: Why couldn’t I have fired right back at Stephanie that I didn’t want to go to her mom’s bunk ass wedding and why can’t I apply that same confidence I had in establishing my relationship with Robert to establishing the career that I – in my best moments – know that I want and deserve?

Of course, the answer is that I could have and still can. And, dear reader, so can you.

And so the other day, I decided to do a little experiment:

I was standing in line waiting to sing my sixteen bars at an audition and I thought to myself, “Alright, Kidwell. You’re going to enter this room crotch first. You’re going to walk in knowing full well that they’d be lucky to have you in their show.”

You guys! It was incredible. Honestly, I felt so assured. I walked in that room with my head held high, sang my little ditty, and left feeling accomplished and proud.

So here’s my advice to you:

Find that thing in your life that you have  and truly cherish– maybe it’s the apartment you love or a friendship you cherish and ask yourself how you went about getting it. What did you do once you realized that you didn’t want it, but rather that you NEEDED it? And then take that energy, that drive, that fire and start to apply it to the things that scare you.

At first it might feel awkward. Just fake it.

But above all, don’t be afraid to stick your neck out – or your crotch.

And now a warning:

Some people live their lives crotch first and end up being total douchebags. I don’t want that to happen to you. So if you start to get a little too uppity and proud just remember these two guys:

1. Kanye West: He does lame stuff like this
    
   
2. Joe Francis: He’s the author of such children’s books as, When You’re Older I’m Gonna Convince You To Take Your Top Off For A Pair Of Mardi Gras Beads, and The Sorority Girl Who Lost Her Shirt. He could stand to put his crotch away for a spell.

So go get yours. Just be careful. The world is full of enough ass holes.

The End.

 

AND NOW...THE WEEK IN WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!

Alright, I admit it. She's not the best dancer, but she moves well. Here's Miss Houston in South Africa singing Queen of the Night from The Bodyguard. Oh...and she's dressed like a blueberry. So that's fun... 

 

 

 

GEOFFREY KIDWELL Geoffrey is an actor/manny in NYC. He spends his days just trying to figure it out.
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Comments

[Guest House]

Wait, what. Confidence (even faking it) helps in tough scenarios?

[Jenny Donoghue (Actor)]

Revolutionary! An awesome piece of advice with a great title.