MARRIAGE TEACHES ME STUFF

A look back on one year of marital bliss
By Bob Simpson (Writer)

This Sunday, January 15^th, my wife and I will celebrate our one year anniversary, which is impossible.  It seems like only five minutes ago that I was scrambling around, shoving dudes into Men’s Wearhouse tuxedos and secretly wondering if my fiancée was going to show up.^[1]  By the way, if you want to read about the proposal, check out Pam’s blog this week. 

Since last year, we’ve both learned a lot, and I can proudly say I’ve taught her some truly essential things, such as:

• Jake “The Snake” Roberts belongs in the WWE Hall of Fame
• I am a better quarterback than David Ash
• Dishes don’t need to be rinsed off before being placed in the dishwasher^[2]
• Nightcrawler is dead, which is the worst thing to happen…ever
• The cancellation of Mystery Science Theater 3000 was foretold in the Bible (that part about the dragon and the diadems)

Obviously, I’ve learned a few things as well, so I’d like to present the Top 10 Things I’ve Learned From Marriage This Year:

10. Sharing is important

Sure, I learned this from Mr. Rogers^[3], but it really took root when Emily and I started living in the same place.  The act of living in the same home is the thing I hear the most from my newly married friends as one of the factors that creates the most tension.

Emily and I have not had a single problem with this, and I think it stems from our concept on sharing.  For example, I cannot clean and Emily cannot cook.  I, however, can cook and Emily can clean.  So that’s what we do.  See how that worked?

9. There is no “I” in “Marriage”

I realize that the title to number 9 is stupid and wrong, but my point remains the same.  When you marry someone, it no longer is just about me.  Sure, I’m still in the equation, but I no longer make decisions with just myself in mind, which sounds like a bummer but really isn’t. 

Hypothetical example: If I’m in the comic book store, holding the new copy of “Animal Man” (which has been a great new series, by the by), instead of instantly buying the comic I will ask myself, “Should I buy this, or should I save the money for Emily’s nose job?”  The obvious answer is to save the money and place the comic in my queue for later, when I have an extra $2.99 to spend.

And Emily’s nose is fine, by the way.  It was just hypothetical.

8. DVRs have single-handedly reduced divorce rates     

I’m making this statement up, but I’m pretty sure that if we did some in-depth statistical analysis, the results would be really boring.  They would prove my statement true, though.  I have no doubt.

How many relationships break down because the man or woman gets upset that the other man or woman will not allow them to watch the recent episode of “Toddler and Tiaras” or as I like to call it, “Crack Whores of the Future”?  I’d say the answer is at least 5, but with the advent of the DVR these problems have vanished to be replaced by the much more manageable argument over why the spouse prematurely deleted said episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras”.^[4]

7. Learn to enjoy your spouse’s interests

I think this applies to Emily more than to me, as my interests are far less palatable to the American public.  For example, I enjoy professional wrestling.  Most people would say, and they would be right, that professional wrestling is cheesy circus fare that doesn’t belong on television.  I watch it because…no idea, but it’s entertaining.

Emily has reluctantly embraced this addiction of mine and now patiently sits on the sofa playing Plants vs. Zombies while I enjoy an episode of Monday Night Raw.  She even has some favorite wrestlers now, particularly The Miz (because he was on the real world) and Mark Henry (because she thinks the second line of his entrance song says “Somebody gonna git a dick lick”).^[5]

6. Owning a dog can distract from any arguments

If you’re ever frustrated by your spouse, which never happens to me because I know Emily will read this, just go get a dog.  When you start to feel like you’re going to say something stupid, look at this face and shut the hell up.

                    Mother Fred of Calcutta

Actually, I’ve heard that getting a dog early in a marriage is not a great idea as it can add stress to such a drastic life event, so I recommend dividing up the dog duties fairly so no one feels like they have to do more for the dog.  For example, Emily takes our dog on half the walks, is usually the one who picks up his meds from the vet, and gives him his dinner meal.  I do the other half of the walks, give him his morning meal, and allow him to constantly jump on my testicles.  Fair.

5. Roll with the punches

When your bedroom is infested by mold or your crazy neighbor forgot to take her lithium or that goddamn dog gate breaks again, try not to get mad.  Instead, grumble endlessly to your wife in broken sentences that weren’t really English to begin with.  She will undoubtedly sit there patiently watching you slowly descend into madness, while thinking things like, “I wonder if the line at In ‘n Out is really long right now.”  You’ll feel better after your tirade and she will too, because she is already in the car on her way to get some In ‘n Out.

4. Whiteboards are awesome

We have two whiteboards in our house: one on our refrigerator and a giant one up in our guest bedroom.  These are great tools that can convey sappy or silly messages or other more important information, like “Bob, you left the house today without pants.  Just FYI.  Put on some pants, maybe.”

3. Marriage is not the end of “the date”

Just because you locked a girl or guy down legally and spiritually for all time, doesn’t mean you get to just ignore her for the next 60 or so years.  Taking your wife or husband out on dates on regular occasions can be great fun.  Even if it’s just walking down to the Chinese restaurant to get some hot and sour soup…it still counts.  Also, Chinese food is pretty cheap so it’s best to just do that for the next several decades.

2. Teach your wife or husband how to unlock doors from the outside, should they be locked out of a room

This one is very personal to me, as every day I walk by the door to our bedroom, cracked right down the middle from the time when my wife kicked the door in after locking herself out.  Had I done the right thing and taught her how to jimmy the lock from the outside, this would have been avoided and I would be able to enter my room without remembering this hilarious, yet frustrating, moment.

Here’s the actual video of her kicking the door in:

 

1.  Tell your spouse you love him/her

I know, it’s sappy.  Shut up.  You have to admit that this is crucial to any relationship, and you should tell your spouse that you love him/her as often as you can, at least once a year. 

It’s been a wonderful first year with my wife, and if you follow my advice, you will be happy, too, though I cannot guarantee that because Emily and I are pretty weird people.

[1] She did, but it was pretty touch and go for a while

[2] Not true.

[3] The dead guy, not my dog.

[4] Answer: because the spouse is not a fan of horrible crap.

[5] Real lyric: “Somebody gonna git their wig split” but I like her’s better

BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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Comments

[Pam Quinn]

Great blog. Thanks for the shout out.