How to live in a post-football America.
By Bob Simpson (Writer)
On Monday, February 6th, 2012, the world will end. I’m calling it, and I have stacks and stacks of biblical proof mingled with mathematical equations that prove my theory…just like that guy with the billboards. Why is the world ending that day? Because it’s the day after the Super Bowl, and I won’t have any football until August.
Instead, sports fans have to endure the NBA (this shortened season isn’t short enough), the seemingly interminable March Madness tournament (Final Four Prediction: the teams with the prettiest colors, because that’s what the executive assistant at my office picks and she wins every year), and come March and April, baseball (excuse me while I cut off my foot).
Am I overreacting? Yes. Won’t life go on without the constant presence of America’s favorite pastime? I’m not so sure, but I think I can help the country weather the storm. Every year, I’m faced with the same sense of impending doom that I feel now, lodged in the back of my throat. College football is already over, and no matter how many Pro Bowls or weeks of endless pre-Super Bowl coverage ESPN, NBC, et al shove down my gullet, I cannot escape the fact that soon, all too soon, my world is about to get very dull.
So, I’ve compiled a list of things that the average America can appreciate during the football offseason, because I’m a charitable dude.
Here they are:
I thank God the Broncos are eliminated, too, Tim
- Reduced coverage on Tim Tebow – Of course, he’s never going to go away. In fact, we’ll still get daily reports about Tebow, including events that he will NOT ATTEND. That’s right, people are actually reporting on stuff because Tim Tebow will not be there. What the crap?! He sucks, America! Don’t you realize that?! He’s an AWFUL quarterback! I don’t care if he loves Jesus, because he can’t complete a goddamn pass! If the turf at Mile High Stadium was an eligible receiver, Tebow would have a 100% completion ratio. I swear to baby Jesus that this guy is never going to go away. After college, when I was so certain he would never be a viable option in the NFL, sure enough, there he was getting drafted in the FIRST FREAKING ROUND. Then, when I was certain he would never be a viable starter in the NFL because he’s just awful, sure enough, he started for the Broncos this year. Denver, you’re on my list forever because of your stupid ass billboards and whining about getting Tebow in the game, when he isn’t any good! Sure he won a Heisman! Sure he won a national championship! That was in COLLEGE! He sucks he sucks he sucks he sucks and don’t even get me started on his whole God thing. Alright, anyway, hopefully we’ll see less of him during the offseason.
- Getting to know your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend better – If you’re like me, you haven’t spoken to your wife on a Sunday since July. This is a great time to sit down on the couch with your significant other, ask her/him how she/he is feeling, while, in your head, planning your fantasy draft for next year. Your partner will appreciate the attention, and you’ll get some much needed draft prep in early before the weeks of cramming in August.
- Offseason athlete antics – Let’s face it, there’s nothing better than watching some beefed-up, young, highly-paid athlete get into some shit during the offseason. That’s the entire POINT of the offseason: to send some athletes to jail so we can laugh at them. It gives the analysts stuff to talk about during that first week of the season, since nothing else has happened yet. Here are some of my favorite offseason mishaps:
- Anything involving Cedric Benson: As much as I hate to rip on a fellow Longhorn, this guy gets into trouble every single year. As soon as that final game of the regular season ends (and every 20 years, after the first game of the playoffs), the clock starts counting down to Benson’s next dumbass move, whether it be breaking into someone’s house to steal a TV that he swore was stolen from him, getting a BWI (that’s boating while intoxicated), or finding himself in an assortment of barroom brawls, Cedric is the king of offseason mishaps. I hope he plays forever.
- Adam “Pacman” Jones makes it rain: read the story here. It’s the last entertaining thing that Nelly has done.
- The Love Boat Scandal: Granted, this didn’t happen during the offseason, but that’s just because nobodies been caught doing this during the offseason. I guarantee you it happens every year.
- The Brett Favre Imminent Return Conversation: The first few years that Brett Favre miraculously returned to football after retiring, it pissed me off. I gotta say that the conversation last year was pretty entertaining, though, because no one wanted him back. There’s a great article about Brett, bags packed, waiting outside his farm to be picked up by a football team that never arrives. Sad, but true. Go away, Brett.
- Ice Hockey – Full disclosure here people, but I like hockey more than I like football. Surprised? You should be, because this is exceedingly rare in the US. Why then do I mourn the end of football so much? The answer is simple: because no one in America gives a rat’s ass about ice hockey. It’s not like I can go to the office and talk about the recent Blackhawks win, because people will laugh at me, and for good reason. However, the end of football means that the Stanley Cup playoffs aren’t far off, and that, to me, is heaven. Go Hawks!
- Go outside – There’s air and trees and stuff out there, and you’re totally free to enjoy it! Just as you get sick of all that fresh air, I guarantee you football season will be just around the corner.
Enjoy the offseason, people.
BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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