I've got that 'give me some gridiron' feeling in my groin again because I've been waiting all spring and summer for Sunday night.
-Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic)
Preseason football starts next month and I for one am ready. Many of my friends aren't into football so I thought I might try to wet some whistles with a little How to Enjoy Guide for the Games.
If you don’t know a lot about football but desperately want an excuse to host a party centered around a 7-Layer Bean Dip or just love it when Faith Hill sings “I’ve Been Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” in a black leather one piece causing all of America to do a collective Pledge of Allegiance, you can learn almost everything you need to know about football by watching The Blind Side, The Replacements, Remember the Titans, Rudy and We Are Marshall.
I also think that you should watch the movie Hoosiers, which is actually a basketball movie, but has some really good jargon in it that you can throw out randomly in conversation: “I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented!”
The only problem with learning football trivia via the silver screen is that one can get their facts mixed up: "What did I think of last year's Super Bowl? I loved it when Keanu Reeves danced to 'I Will Survive' with the back up squad! No? Maybe that was in 2010.”
If you don’t have a favorite team but dream of owning a jersey or perhaps a key chain with a team logo on it you can always choose one by the color of their uniforms, that way you know it will coordinate with your bag. As a side note never refer to uniforms as outfits because people tend to get upset when you do that and you are immediately outted as a non-sports person.
Also, never call team practice rehearsal time – even though there might be some similarities between a starting line up and A Chorus Line, we don’t point that out. However I do think it’s acceptable to flash a jazz hands and bust into a step ball change lunge during halftime; great commercials are always exciting.
Even for those not particularly sports inclined it can still be fun to cheer with wild adandon, it burns all the calories from the bean dip and also provides a place to put all your pent up frustration. If you had a tough day you can release a lot of anger by yelling “Hey number twenty-two, get it together! It’s not like you have to work in an office with Mary, talk about a tough defense!” Plus the person you are venting at is not related to you, in fact they can’t even hear you, so there are no hurt feelings.
A good go-to move in any sports bar environment is to randomly yell “Put your shoulder down” (a line I stole from the Rock in Gridiron Gang). Feel free to slide in “There’s no Crying in Baseball” from A League of Their Own, which isn’t played with the same type of ball at all but you can work it into the dialogue anyway, I’m all about equal opportunity.
Some football games are so exciting that I get so anxious I think I might skip a period. Here's to a great season!