KISS MY DOG'S ASS

This one's for the DogMoms (and DogDads)...

By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian/TV host)

I am codependent with My Dog and I'm very happy this way. 

This is my Little One. He has my hair and my husband's eyes

If you visited our home you would see that everything revolves around him.The furniture (we have one bed, he has 5), the position of our shades and curtains (he loves to sunbathe) and our schedules. We pretty much exist as his personal assistants. When we travel for work we sometimes go Best Western but wouldn't dream of leaving him anywhere but his 5 star Doggie Daycare complete with nanny cam.

There are times when our hotel bill is smaller than his Doggie Spa bill and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a DogMom. Are You? Take this simple test:

 

• Have you ever fawned over your dog so much you catch him giving you a look as if to say "Seriously, you've got to get a life." 
• Do you have  so many pictures  of your Dog in your cell phone that the FBI just may have you on a stalker watch list?
• Is your Dog whisked off to her general practitioner, dermatologist or another trusted overpriced member of her medical team for her bi-annual checkups yet you wouldn't take yourself to a doctor if you had a severed arm and a 104 degree fever? 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, congratulations! You're a DogMom! 

DogMoms were once a secret society, forced to hide our preference for Pups over people behind closed doors. Family members whispered about us in hushed tones at holiday gatherings calling us "odd", "antisocial" and "spinsters." Those were the days when a girl had to lie, saying she had to get home to cook dinner for her husband or some other socially acceptable silliness. She could never admit that she wanted to get home to her Dog, her couch and a decent blush wine. But not anymore, we have been liberated! Our numbers have grown too strong and our meetings are no longer secret. We meet up in broad daylight at dog parks and dog acupuncture clinics all across the country. 

We proudly spend billions of dollars on our dogs every year. Hit us with an ailing economy? That's ok, we'll just spend even more on them next year! We're taking dog friendly vacations, renting in dog friendly apartment buildings and we're boycotting those horrible restaurants that think we would tie our little ones up on the sidewalk side of the cafe seating. 

 Why on EARTH would I tie my little angel up outside when you allow that Ritalin filled first grader to roam around untethered? 

DogMoms are officially out of the closet! That's right, we're codependent with our dogs, we prefer them to most humans and we're taking over. We've come a long way baby! I will leave you with a few DogMom thoughts, reflections and rules: 

• Once a Dog has slept in your bed you share a bond for life. It's not the same with men, but that Dog will always have a place in your heart. 
• There's coffee time in bed with the Dog and there's wine time on the couch with the Dog. Everything else is pretty much filler.
• When choosing the right man, remember Rule #1: If he doesn't love your Dog, don't let him touch your kitty.
• Rule #2: If your kid pokes my dog in the eye, I poke your kid in the eye, got it? 
• Jesus loves everyone. Except Michael Vick. He fucking hates that guy. 
• When your sister in law tries explaining to you that Your Dog is just a Dog, that he's not your child and doesn't have a soul like a person, that's a good time to tell her your brother has been cheating on her for five years. (And you don't blame him)

BERNADETTEPAULEY is a comedian, actor and TV host. www.BernadettePauley.com 
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Comments

[barbarra j Kennedy]

I agree with 100% with everything you wrote. I am that person as well, and very happy about it.
Love this piece.

[Calimamjam]

I agree with you! I often say that I'm looking for a man who will love me like my dog, but I keep finding men that love me like my cat.

[Leah B]

Absolutely awsome piece Bernie! I LOVED it and laughed out loud throughout! Fantastic job and I SOOO agree!

[Bernadette Pauley (Comedian)]

Barbara J. Kennedy & Calimamjam Thanks! I'm glad my fellow DogMoms agree! Leah B, You're too kind! Knew you'd appreciate it, being such a great Guinea Pig Mom!

[funny flash games]

I agree with you! I often say that Im looking for a man who will love me like my dog, but I keep finding men that love me like my cat.

+1