In the not so distant future. Next Sunday, AD!
By Bob Simpson (Writer)
What do you get when you combine the worst films ever made, a puppet show, and a variety act? You get the funniest show to air on television (yes, Battlestar Galactica, I have betrayed you).
I’m speaking, of course, about Mystery Science Theater 3000, which ran on public access, then the Comedy Channel (now Comedy Central), and then the Sci Fi Channel from 1988 – 1999.
Show creator Joel Hodgson discovered a formula, a perfect storm of comedy brilliance, by combining the elements of a cheaply-made science fiction show, some robot puppets, a few mad scientists, and a screening of a terrible movie, where the main cast does what so many of us love to do – rip the film to shreds.
The premise for the show changed throughout its tenure due to cast departures, but the base formula remained intact: an unlucky, normal human is forced to watch some of the worst movies ever made in the hopes that one of the films will drive him insane. When that movie is found, the villains will release it to the world, thereby ruling it. The human (Joel himself from 1988 – 1993, followed by head writer, Mike Nelson from 1993 – 1999), was accompanied only by his robot pals, Crow T. Robot (voiced by Trace Beaulieu, then Bill Corbett) and Tom Servo (voiced during the KTMA years by J. Elvis Weinstein, then Kevin Murphy for the rest of the run). There's also cambot and Gypsy, though they didn't riff on the movies (Gypsy is till my favorite though...may her love for Richard Basehart never die).
The bulk of the show was dedicated to the two robots and one human “riffing” on the movie they were forced to screen.
You've probably seen the iconic MST3K silhouette:
I love this show with all of my heart, and to this day, whenever I’m feeling sad or bored, I know I have a stack of some of the funniest material ever compiled waiting for me on my shelves. It’s an instant (well, it takes about 90 minutes) cure for the blues, and I’d like to dedicate my next three blog posts to the 30 funniest, wackiest, most vomit-inducing episodes of MST3K.
If you haven’t seen the show, let this be a beginners guide to take you on the most hilarious adventure of your life. If you’re already a fan, come walk with me and reminisce, and let me know if I left anything out!
The 30 Best MST3K Episodes – Part 1
30. The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
You’ll see a guiding principle throughout this list that all filmmakers should obey. Namely, before releasing your film to the public, maybe you should rethink that stupid title you’ve plastered all over the canisters.
What The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy title lacks in, well, anything redeemable, it makes up for in clarity. This is a movie that does what it promises:it pits a Robot versus an Aztec Mummy.
Though it’s a Mexican film, the writer or director (doesn’t matter which, they’re unemployed and/or dead) knew as much about Mesoamerican culture and history as Americans do about American culture and history (i.e., in the movie, the Aztecs practice mummification and use hieroglyphics, neither of which is true).
The movie also spends less time on the plot (used here loosely) for the film than they do at recapping the two preceding films in the series. That’s right, The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy is actually part of an unholy abomination of a trilogy.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
29. The Brute Man (w/Bonus Short: The Chicken of Tomorrow)
Rondo Hatton should be a household name for any B-moviephiles, with his foray into “The Creeper” character being the most infamous. This character was featured in a number of movies where Rondo Hatton would creep around (see how he got the name?), and strangle people.
On a side note, Rondo Hatton suffered from acromegaly (formerly referred to as “gigantism”), the same disorder attributed to Andre the Giant and The Big Show (both from professional wrestling), and his acromegalic features made him a mainstay in low-budget horror movies during the 1940s.
The Brute Man, as I said before, stars The Creeper, wandering around town killing people. At first he appears to kill at random, until you learn that the Creeper was formerly a student named Hal, horribly disfigured in a science experiment gone wrong, who is on a rampage of vengeance to kill those he saw as responsible for his condition.
It’s a crapfest de-lite watching Rondo Hatton try to do simple things like speak a line or close his mouth. The movie wanders into true cheesevile as The Creeper breaks into a woman’s house who immediately befriends him because…wait for it…wait for it…she’s blind.
Yeah, it doesn’t go up from there.
The Brute Man is also the first episode on our list to include a Bonus Short, which the mad scientists would sometimes glue onto the main feature film, just to add a little bit of insanity. This episode’s short, The Chicken of Tomorrow, is a public service message on chicken farming, including some overly gruesome real-time images of how a chicken grows in its egg. I’ll never eat poultry again.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Crow [about Rondo Hatton]: He looks like an Easter Island statue.
-----
Servo [as pedestrian]: Evening creeper.
Crow [As Creeper]: Hi person.
-----
[The Creeper has been shot in what would appear to be his crotch]
Crow: Well, he's had several injuries that don't really help his chances with women AT ALL.
28. Red Zone Cuba (w/Bonus Short: Speech)
Remember that time you found yourself riding in the back of some guy’s truck, and before you know it, you’re invading Cuba? Coleman Francis does!
Yes, good ole’ Coleman Francis, basically a regular to the MST3K crowd since his movies have been so impeccably terrible. Red Zone Cuba (alternate title: Night Train to Mundo Fine) is a crappy director’s attempt to make a drama surrounding the Bay of Pigs Invasion. How does one achieve this? By casting John Carradine (David’s dad), and then getting his scene out of the way as quickly as possible so the audience may then enjoy the sweet, bloated drama of Coleman Francis himself, cast in the lead role.
One final comment on this movie: the infamous Bay of Pigs invasion, of which this movie centers its entire plot, occurs entirely offscreen, with the exception of a few scenes of doughy guys running on a beach. I’m not saying the invasion occurs offscreen while some other, brilliant action is occurring for the audience. No, I am saying that the characters in the movie watch and comment on the Bay of Pigs invasion, happening just in front of them, which we cannot see.
The episode also features a short called “Speech” – a public service piece about how to present yourself properly when giving a speech. Didn’t learn much, except that the 50s were freaking weird.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[Watching the invasion offscreen]
Griffin: Bay of Pigs.
Servo [as Griffin]: That's what they say when I go swimming.
-----
Mike [as around four guys stumble up the beaches of Cuba]: Man, can you imagine being Castro and seeing that force swarming up at you?
27. Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues
A sentimental favorite of mine and one of the few movies in existence to use the awe-inspiring background of central Arkansas as its setting, Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues is actually a misleading title. It’s the third of the Boggy Creek movies, but creator Charles B. Pierce didn’t participate in the second film, so he considered this version the true sequel.
Boggy Creek II tells (or continues, I should say) the tale of the Boggy Creek monster, basically a sasquatch, roaming the Arkansas wilderness. An anthropology professor (played by Pierce, God help you) and three University of Arkansas students (University motto: It’s High School all over again!) camp out in the wilderness, hoping to catch a glimpse of the elusive legend.
You see what’s formulating here, bad movie veterans? Can you see what’s cooking up? That’s right! It’s a movie composed almost entirely of…waiting around for stuff to happen! Always a great choice!
Yes, when Charles Pierce isn’t narrating some asinine background story about the monster, the viewer is subjected to watching the main characters sit around in tents. Plus, there’s a wire-thin 18 year-old boy that never seems to wear a shirt. It’s like his skin just dissolves the fabric. Seriously, this kid is allergic to shirts.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[As we enjoy minute 37 of the main characters traveling to their camp site]
Mike: We're going campin', and you're gonna watch.
…..
Crow [as the shirtless Tim, approaching a house]: Can I borrow a cup of shirt?
26. Swamp Diamonds (W/Bonus Short: What to do on a Date)
Roger Corman is a controversial director. You either love his films or you hate them, and if you love them, I’d like to ask what is wrong with you. The true genius behind “quantity over quality,” Corman cranked out movies at a Woody Allen pace and worked with more future stars than one would have expected of such a low-rent director.
Swamp Diamonds (also called "Swamp Women") is no exception to the tried-and-true Corman principle. A low quality prison break/heist movie that gives the viewing audience little incentive to pay attention until the escaped female prisoners turn their pants into short-shorts, Swamp Diamonds slugs through a marsh of hackneyed devices and bad acting.
The film focuses primarily on the journey of three female escaped cons and one undercover female cop to retrieve a stash of diamonds hidden out in the Louisiana swamps. We are then privy to a number of exciting encounters like boat ride footage and, even better, dragging a boat through swamp footage.
The film stars Touch Connors, afterwards known as Mike Connors or Mike “Mannix” Connors. Beverly Garland also stars as a fiery, red-headed convict who speaks at the rate of a cattle auctioneer. The movie is notable in that every time the cast moves to a new location, somebody dies. It’s a neat plot device, which includes a drowning scene clearly, clearly shot at a local pool. There’s also some great drunk acting from the blonde convict, who may have not been acting drunk and was instead doing a pretty solid Marilyn Monroe impression.
In addition to the film is a super fun invention exchange between the Mad Scientists and Joel & the ‘bots. Invention exchanges were part of the opening segment of the show when Joel Hodgson was around, featuring some wacky inventions that the two groups would have to come up with each week, then face off with on the show.
This episode’s inventions were a “U-View” from the mad scientists, a television that showed you what you would be doing if you weren’t watching TV, and the Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill from Joel and the gang, a grill specifically designed to torch Andrew Lloyd Weber scripts.
The short that preceded Swamp Diamonds is one of my favorite: a public service announcement on what to do on a date. The short is ripe with 50s era lameness, including a main character that has been taking his Jimmy Stewart/massive dork lessons. Watch it…seriously. How this guy ever got a date mystifies me.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[The characters pull the boat into a new camping site, after someone has died at each previous site]
Joel: Okay, we need volunteers to get killed at this camp site!
25. Eegah!
Caveman! That’s what the name of this movie should have been because, let’s face it, Eegah is just silly.
The movie features a cast of whiny Caucasians that discover a caveman hanging out in the desert (prelude to Encino Man?). They get to know the caveman, called “Eegah” and played by Richard Kiel, and hijinxs ensue.
The best part of the movie rests squarely on the shoulders of the character, Tom, who looks like, as Servo describes it, “cabbage patch Elvis.”
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[The characters are looking for signs of Eegah. A voice comes from literally out of nowhere]
Mystery voice: Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?
-----
[Two horned frogs are mating. One runs away, and the other faces the camera]
Crow [as horned frog]: What?! Can I help you?!
24. Horrors of Spider Island
If the Germans and Yugoslavians were ever meant to work together, it was to make this film. That’s right, this film is a German/Yugoslavian mash-up horror movie, obviously geared towards a female audience, as the cast is almost entirely composed of scantily clad women.
A nightclub owner holds try outs at his club in “New York” (probably Berlin), searching for female dancers to work his club in Singapore (probably also Berlin). When the cast crashes their plane over the Pacific and are stranded on a desert island, they discover the island is populated by huge, deadly spiders that can also, somehow, transform you into a human/spider hybrid, um, sometimes. Only one character, the nightclub owner, got turned into the hybrid, so let’s just pretend it didn’t happen. Let’s also pretend that there was more than one spider on the island, cause we only see one at a time, with about thirty-seconds of screen time in total. The rest of the film is dedicated to the women bathing.
Favorite Quotes from the episode:
[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]
Georgia: Gary!
Crow [as Georgia]: Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo [as Gary]: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow [as Gary]: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!
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[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]
Mike: ...hey!
[The words "The End" abruptly appear]
Servo: So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!
23. Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders
A made-for-TV children’s movie that features far too many hellacious and violent events to really qualify as a children’s movie, Ernest Borgnine leads us (and his forced-to-listen grandson) through the meandering tale of Merlin and his magical shop.
What’s the plot of this movie? Shut up. There isn’t one. There’s a part about a guy who turns into a wizard and fries his cat, and another part about a demonic monkey playing the cymbals, but that’s all that stuck with me.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
Servo [as Madeline]: Honey? You okay down there?
Mike [as Cooper]: Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!
-----
[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?
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Crow [as Merlin]: Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you.
22. Jack Frost
A lesson should be made to eastern European countries: don’t make movies together. A Russo-Finnish production (yes, I know Russia isn’t in eastern Europe), Jack Frost tells the tale of not Jack Frost. Seriously. The guy is barely in the movie. Shows up about 7/8th into the film, walks around, turns some trees into frosty trees, almost kills the main character, and vanishes.
The rest of the film is a hodgepodge of local Russo-Finnish legends, featuring a hide-and-seek game with a dwarf, a man whose head is turned into that of a bear, and a wicked stepmother and a stepdaughter who looks like Tom Petty.
The episode also features a fabulous sketch with Mike Nelson as The Lord of the Dance.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[During the opening credits, viewing Russian names]
Mike: These names are all Russian for "Alan Smithee."
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[Ivan runs through the forest, trying to catch the disappearing mushroom-dwarf]
Mike: The movie that dares to ask, "Will he find the dwarf?"
21. The Final Sacrifice
Man, I wanted to put this one higher on the list, but I just couldn’t. There’s too much good stuff to come.
Another lesson that filmmakers should learn from watching MST3K is this: don’t make your hero character an unlikable, puny, irredeemably dorky wuss. You’ll see more examples of this in my list, but just check this guy out. This is the main character from Final Sacrifice:
Right? Right?! I’m supposed to root for that guy!
This Canadian film revolves around the formerly mentioned pipsqueak, Troy, as he tries to learn about his father’s murder. Eventually, he meets his NAMBLA sponsor, an overweight, scruffy bastard that goes by the name of Zap Rowsdower.
Yeah.
Zap Rowsdower. That’s our other hero in the film.
Together they fight against this all powerful cult through the countryside of, I don’t know, somewhere in Canada.
The movie has, without a doubt, some of the most ridiculous characters in this entire list. From Troy to Rowsdower, to the hermit they meet that talks EXACTLY like Yosemite Same, to the deep-voiced, non-threatening bad guy with a mullet, this movie is just bad casting choice after bad casting choice.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[Troy and Rowsdower meet Pipper, a.k.a. Yosemite Sam]
Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!
…..
[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader.
…..
[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]
Troy: FOOD!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Yeah, no beer, though.
Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?!
Servo [as Troy]: More FOOD!
Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?!
Crow [as Troy]: We were eating your FOOD!
That's it for this week! Stay tuned for two more weeks of MST3K fun! Next week features a wimpy pipsqueak that stole a bike, a terrible Italian Hercules movie, and the Skipper from Gilligan's Island!
BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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Awesome! I am going to watch one of these right now.
Posted by: Dan | Tuesday, July 24, 2012 at 02:08 PM
Oh man, my freshman year of college, my roommate and I used to rent these from the video store. You don't watch Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders and forget it.
Posted by: Kimberly Lew (Playwright/Blogger) | Wednesday, July 25, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Sadly, Kim, you are correct. I've never wanted to hurt Ernest Borgnine so badly.
Posted by: Bob | Wednesday, July 25, 2012 at 01:53 PM