Crazytown

A carpet monster, a Gremlins rip-off, and endless wimpy heroes...
By Bob Simpson (Writer)

Hooray! Back for another week of the best episodes from the funniest show ever on television!

If you missed last week's list, you can read it here, but let's get started with this week's countdown!

The Best of MST3K, Part 2

20. The Creeping Terror

When we look back on the golden age of B-movies in the sci-fi genre, there are a few factors that contribute to a truly inept but inexplicably dangerous monster:

Slow movement. So slow that an infant could escape without breaking a sweat.
Laughable costume design, which may actually aid in the monster’s effectiveness, as victims, instead of running, just stand and laugh their heads off.
Victims with the IQ of bark.

Fortunately, The Creeping Terror captures all of these factors, and then some. Slow movement? I clocked The Creeping Terror traveling at speeds of 4 mph, so check. Horrible costume design? The monster looks like a carpet. Check. Dumb victims? Oh hell yes, as not only do the victims refuse to RUN AWAY from the slug-like creature, they actually climb inside the monster’s mouth in order to aid it in its mission of terror!

The Creeping Terror goes further, though. They have a completely useless narrator, describing dialogue instead of letting the actors, oh, I don’t know, speak the damn dialogue! They’ve got a classic 1950s dance scene with horrible music, and then they really up the ante. When the monster breaks into the community center (do these exist anymore?) and starts devouring victims, what do you think the people inside the center do? Flee? Nope. Call for help? Of course not. No, when the monster attacks, a bunch of the guys at the dance…start beating the crap out of each other. This is not a joke. Monster breaks into gym. Monster eats people. Men start wailing on other men. It’s one of the most inexplicable, dumbfounding, asinine scenes in movie history.

Add onto this a great sketch where the residents of the Satellite of Love (the name of the vessel Joel and Mike are trapped on…did I mention that?) reenact their version of Love, American Style, and you’ve got one solid episode.

Favorite Quotes from episode:

[The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth]

Mike [as Alien]: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in…

…..

Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.

Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.

…..

[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]

Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!

…..

[Cop wearing a cowboy hat sees the same hat sitting next to the alien spacecraft]

Servo [as cop]: Wait! I've been here! I'm dead!

…..

[listening to terrible big band music]

Mike: You can see why the British Invasion was so easy.

19. Time Chasers

Dr. Brown’s DeLorean. H.G. Wells’ Time Machine. Time Chasers’s bi-plane. All iconic time traveling devices, but not for the same reasons.

Following the formula of Final Sacrifice, Time Chasers employs a wimpy nerd as its hero, as he flies in his bi-plane to “the future”, which looks less like the future and more like downtown Cleveland.

Time Chasers stars a nerd named Nick, living in Vermont, who has turned his bi-plane into a time machine. When he demonstrates the technology to a major science corporation (they grow like weeds in Vermont), he has to fight to save his invention and…THE FUTURE!

Time Chasers is not only a great episode, but it highlights the deep, cultural impact that MST3K had on this country. When the people behind the making of Time Chasers found out that MST3K were going to feature their movie in an episode, they actually had a celebratory viewing party so they could all enjoy. Suffice to say, once the episode started, their euphoria quickly wore off.

Favorite Quotes from episode:

[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]

Crow: This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.

…..

[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]

Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?

…..

[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]

Servo: Hey, look—a lesbian... of the future!

[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]

Mike: Food courts... of the future!

…..

Crow: Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin!

18. Hobgoblins

Hobgoblins is a film so terrible that during the opening credits (the opening credits!) Mike has to restrain the ‘bots from fleeing the theater. The three poor souls also resort to creating cardboard cut-outs of themselves, hoping to fool their overlords that they are, in fact, still watching the movie.

A blatant rip-off of the Gremlins movies, Hobgoblins features a band of mischievous creatures that fulfill your wildest fantasies. The downside is that the fantasies eventually kill you.

Hobgoblins is one of those films populated by characters so unlikeable in every way, that you find yourself rooting for the monsters and their plot for world domination. Here’s a little taste of how terrible these people are (2:00 into the video below):

Are you with me on this? Don’t you kinda hope they die?

Favorite Quotes from episode:

[Close-up on security guard]

Crow: Do you think he knows his face looks like that?

…..

Mike: [singing along to generic '80s synth music] It's the '80s! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

…..

[Car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]

Servo: The car will do anything to get out of this movie!

[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]

Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash!

[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]

Mike [as Kevin]: Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light!

17. Teenage Strangler (W/Bonus Short: Is This Love?)

The 60s were a time of free love, social justice and, of course, horrible, horrible movies. Teenage Strangler stands at the top of the pedestal during the decade of peace and love, encouraging you to rip your eyes out of your sockets.

The movie takes place at a local high school, though most of the actors appear to be in their 40s, where a serial strangler is on the loose, murdering women left and right. The story is so lame, the outcome so predictable, that it almost makes you forget that this movie is nothing more than a troupe of community theater actors trying to make a film.

Chiefest of these talentless hacks is the young man who plays Mikey. Now, to be fair to the guy, he’d never done any type of acting before, which you can totally understand when you see the movie. His performance is so whiny, so deliciously geeky, that it might actually be GREAT, in that you think he’s pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes and is actually John Gielgud.

To save you some time, though I recommend you watch the episode anyway, [spoiler alert] the creepy janitor you met in the first scene did it.

Favorite Quote from episode:

I'm going to forego the quotes on this episode, and instead show a video dedicated to Mikey –

16. Puma Man

Donald Pleasence! Don’t you just love Donald Pleasence? He’s not a terrible actor at all, but he’s so prevalent in the B-movie industry that all his talent is negated. I’d wager that he’s one of the great “bad guy” actors of all time.

Still, he doesn’t save Puma Man, another movie, another darned movie, that makes its hero an unlikeable, puny wuss. Tony Farms is a young professor who, through his 6’5” Hispanic Mr. Miyagi, finds out that he is the heir to the Puma Man legacy, a type of superhero that wears a sweatsuit and cape. Unlike The Greatest American Hero, which mastered the “I have no idea how to be a superhero” theme, Puma Man is another one of those films where you want the hero to get crushed by a building.

Plus, in the Italian movie poster (it was an Italian produced film), there’s a picture of the Death Star. Seriously. The Death Star.

Favorite Quotes from episode:

Vadinho: My name is Vadinho.

Crow [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion.

…..

Kobras: Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history.

Mike [as Kobras]: And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.

15. Laserblast

Famous film critic Leonard Maltin gave Laserblast 2 ½ stars. Therefore, Leonard Maltin should lock himself in a room and think about what he’s done.

Laserblast, featuring Roddy McDowall in a rare no monkey make-up role, is about a young loser, another completely unlikeable crapbag of a character, who discovers an alien laser weapon out in the desert. At this point, most people would expect the movie to get super exciting, but what actually happens is nothing. The loser hero goes to a pool party, turns into Jim Carrey’s The Mask, blows up a car, naps in front of his van, and gets pulled over by the police for speeding about four times.

That’s it. 2 ½ stars. For comparison’s sake, that’s a higher ranking than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and The Name of the Rose (as the three poor souls point out during the end credits). According to Leonard Maltin, Laserblast is as good a movie as My Dinner with Andrea, Amadeus, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Add to that the five minutes of Roddy McDowall screen time, and the rage begins to seep in.

However, this episode does feature one of the greatest Mike Nelson moments, as he dresses up as Captain Janeway from Star Trek Voyager so that he can save the ship from total destruction. This also marks the last episode featuring the original villain, Dr. Forrester, and original voice of Crow, Trace Beaulieu.

Favorite Quotes from episode:

[Guy is wandering through desert with laser weapon over his arm, which looks like a huge CD player]

Mike: Edward CD Playerhands

…..

Servo: Let's recap the movie so far. Somebody went to Acapulco and somebody almost bought gas.

…..

[Billy is dancing around with alien weapon and saying “pow-pow”]

Crow: Won't he be surprised when he finds out it doesn't go pow but swiiiish?

…..

[Crew can clearly be seen in a reflection]

Crow: Ah! Your film crew, ladies and gentlemen.

…..

Billy [to shirtless, curly-haired blonde guy]: Have you seen Cathy?

Mike [as Billy]: Hey, how are things in the Blue Lagoon?

…..

Mike [as Roddy McDowall]: Hm, I was in a monkey suit and then suddenly I was in this movie.

…..

Scientist: And I'll tell ya something else if you don't think I'm crazy.

Mike [as scientist]: I've got grasshoppers taped to my back.

…..

Servo: Is this one of those movies based on a Jane Austen novel?

…..

[visible camera rig on car]

Mike: Whoops, camera rig on the side of the van.

[Passing car honks at the van]

Crow: Hey! You got a camera rig on your car!

14. Killer Shrews (W/Bonus Short: Junior Rodeo Daredevils)

James Best of Dukes of Hazard fame stars in this B-movie about a pack of rampant, mutant, poisonous shrews that overpopulate and terrorize a small island research facility.

Need more? Okay, I’ll tell you more.

Best commands a supply ship tasked with delivering provisions to the remote research facility. He finds at this facility a group of scientists and alcoholics, terrorized by one of their experiments gone awry. Before I continue, let me emphasize the rampant alcoholism in this movie. This remote facility, located on a small island, is equipped with a fully stocked wet bar, where almost all of the action occurs in the film. Rarely does anyone leave the main room, and when exposition occurs (which takes up ¾ of the movie), they are drinking like fish.

The group of survivors must battle the mutant shrews, which are nothing more than doggies wearing carpets, while trying to conserve their precious gin supply.

Oh, and the black guy dies first. Sorry for the spoiler.

The movie also features a hilarious short title “Junior Rodeo Daredevils”, featuring a group of youngsters getting their asses kicked by horses.

Favorite Quotes from episode:

Thorne: Well, how big do they get?

[Music crescendos into a loud BONG]

Servo: Well, how big does that music make it sound?

…..

[The shrews have cut the power]

Joel: Everybody, quick, light your martinis!

…..

[Ingrid is glad that Thorne now knows everything]

Joel [as Thorne]: Oh, I don't know everything. I don't even know how fish work.

13. I Accuse My Parents (W/Bonus Short: The Truck Farmer)

I Accuse My Parents is proof that MST3K’s riffs weren’t solely reserved for violations in the sci-fi and fantasy genre. This film revolves around a shoe salesman named Jimmy (everyone was named Jimmy back then), who loves to lie about his negligent, alcoholic, jackass parents. As lies tend to do when you live in the 50s, this results in him becoming involved in the seedy criminal underworld. Sure, he falls in love with a cabaret singer, but his association with her gets him framed for a crime he didn’t commit, flushing his promising career selling Reeboks right down the toilet.

I Accuse My Parents is so dated and corny that it’s actually a pretty awesome film, and, unlike so many others in this list, you do want Jimmy to come out on top.

There’s also a short about The Truck Farmer, which is really a polite way of saying “Migrant Worker Exploitation.”

Favorite Quotes from episode:

[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]

Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...

…..

[During Jimmy's trial...]

Jimmy: Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...

Joel [as Jimmy]: ...but I'm Esther Rolle!

Jimmy: But... I accuse my parents!

[Everyone applauds.]

Servo: Yes! We have a title!

12. The Giant Spider Invasion

Another film that gets that check mark for B-movie excellence, The Giant Spider Invasion delivers on its promise of an invasion of giant spiders, though it takes roughly half the film before you see the first spider (probably a poor attempt at copying Spielberg’s “don’t show the monster” tactic).

Directed by Wisconsin’s finest, Bill Rebane, The Giant Spider Invasion features that dude who played the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island, and another cast of characters that, frankly, give you a little bit of joy when you see them die on screen.

A rip in the space-time who gives a crap causes a meteor to land in Wisconsin. Little do the residents of the sleepy town know, but this meteor is filled with spiders that grow at a staggering rate. People panic. People die. Underwear is shown, and in the end, the spiders are defeated by a method that is so completely implausible that I can’t even remember what it is.

Still, giant insects are always a great idea for a horror film.

Favorite Quotes from episode:

Crow [repeated line, whenever Dan’s truck is shown]: LIKE A ROCK!

…..

[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]

Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace.

[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]

Mike: Ugh, he's pink!

Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!

Crow: [cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!

…..

[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]

Mike [as Spiders]: We're your dirty socks! Wash us!

Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion!

11. Hercules Unchained

If there’s anything the Italians do well, it’s make cheap, crappy movies that seem to perform well at the box office. Hercules Unchained was one of many of these films, and the second in a series featuring famous American bodybuilder Steve Reeves.

The story for Hercules Unchained is an amalgamation of the Oedipus tragedy and the myth of Hercules and Queen Omphale, which, when analyzed, leaves the viewer puzzled why it was decided that these two myths fit well together, cause they do not.

Joel and the ‘bots are at the top of their game in this one, with most of the best riffs directed at the beefy Herc himself, Steve Reeves.

Oh, and Hercules is never in chains in this movie, but he is in Hercules vs. The Moon Men (which was also an MST3K episode, but didn’t quite make this list).

Favorite Quotes from episode:

Crow [as Herc’s gang]: Hi, just thought we'd stop by aaaaaand JENKATA!

…..

Hercules: I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake.

Servo [laughs]: That would be the definition of sleepy.

My friends, that brings us to the end of this week's list. Tune in next week for the final countdown, including more from Bill Rebane, the weirdest Christmas movie in history, and the worst, worst, worst movie ever made. Period.

BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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