Crazytown

Not long ago, a movement in this country coined the term "The One Percent". Because of the recent media attention 1%ers have gotten, when the select few who wear this label, who also usually wear the label Ralph Lauren, their actions are often public now. The rest of us, the 99%, just chuckle...as we calmly clean our rifles.
MONKEY BUSINESS by Tony Asaro (Currently Unemployed San Franciscan)

I live in San Francisco now. Me and the other compost-bin owning pinkos at the yoga studio love to pretend that San Francisco is its own nation–so, so far from that Fox News-watching, fast food-eating "America" that's trending on the internet alongside the Kardashians and Casey Anthony's movie deal.

You'll notice the news hasn't had much coverage of an "Occupy San Francisco" movement. That's because we're all Occupying San Francisco all the time. Sure, SF had a tent city in Justin Herman Plaza, but there's often a tent city in Justin Herman Plaza. The cops don't hassle the protestors, because the cops are with the protestors.

But we aren't so separate as we like to think we are. The other day, I read this article:

Bay Area Couple Demolishes $4.2 Million Home to Get a Better View

Here's the gist: Clark and Sharon Winslow, a very wealthy couple in Belvedere, CA (the insanely rich area of the North Bay near Tiburon), bought the $4.2-million house next door so they could tear it down, thereby improving the view of the San Francisco Bay from their own $19-million home.

Uh huh. You read that right. "so they could TEAR IT DOWN." See?

Now mind you, their own $19 million home is so sprawling, it already had a wonderful view of the San Francisco Bay. "But darn-it-all, there was that blasted mansion in the way. It's like our view had a blemish. We deserved much better.", says the Clark and Sharon Winslow I've created in my mind, whose outdoor terraces have all been built out of the bones of children and puppies.

Here they are folks, the ONE PERCENT.

So 1%ers, I'm sorry, but the Winslows have already beat you to it. You'll have to think of something else to get the masses seething. I've taken the liberty of coming up with some OTHER things you could do with that annoying $4.2 million lying around that might earn you as much noteriety and hatred from those peasants that have a hard time paying their rent.

• Have the bank change that money into pennies, and then build an entire city replica out of those pennies. I suggest San Francisco!

• Buy 2750 bottles of good vintage Dom Perignon, and then water your garden with it.

• Send 80 students to Harvard for 4 years with a full ride–tuition, room and board, books and supplies, but make sure they're already rich, white, and male.

• Buy all of San Francisco's small coffee houses and turn them into Starbucks.

• You could buy 24 Ferrari F430s. That's one for every hour of the day! Then one at a time, drive them off of cliffs.

• According to the Sandwich Price Calculator, it costs 53 cents to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You could provide lunch to 44,136 California elementary school students for an entire school year. But where's the fun in that? I say host a 4.2 million dollar dinner party for your friends!

• You could go SHOPPING, choosing only foreign merchants. Maybe you could single-handedly be the straw that breaks the CA economy's back

• You could buy one new Mac Powerbook Pro with Retina Display. You might even have some money left over for a burger. That's if you don't get the suped up model.

Apple_15inch_macbook_pro_with_retina_display_1218250_g1

From what I understand, this costs just below $4.2 million.

In any case, I hope you all start spending your $4.2 million dollars wisely. The nation's hatred can and will be yours if you piss away your money intelligently like the Winslows!

TONY ASARO is a composer/librettist currently working on various musical theatre and opera projects including the award winning Our Country. To learn more about Tony's writing, please visit unrelentingmonkey.com. NEVER STOP SWINGING!