If you’ve ever stood around the water cooler and questioned a co-worker’s sexual preference then this is just the scale for you.
by David Davila (playwright/song-writer)
So this week I started writing about a very controversial issue in the gay community: barebacking. However a short blog quickly got really complicated and now I’m delving deeper (so to speak) into the research. Not first hand research silly, like statistics and interviews and stuff. Jeeze! So until it’s finished I thought I would wet your appetites with this guide to how gay all your friends are.
Kinsey isn’t the only one who can invent a scale to measure gayness… or is it gaiety? My scale is way more fabulous because it uses the colors of the rainbow (the REAL rainbow, not that scientific ROYGBIV nonsense!) ... oh, and don't get it twisted, this has nothing to do with measuring any part of a gay man's anatomy.
So without further ado I present David Davila’s DICKTER SCALE.
CODE RED: Alert your “straight-chaser” friends – The first level on the Dickter scale is reached when a man has at least one OGT. An OGT, is an Obviously Gay Trait, made famous by my fifth favorite movie of all time, Broken Heart’s Club. So if your boy is obsessed with contemporary interior design, goes to Jason Robert Brown sing-alongs, or watches reruns of Designing Women; Code Red! Code Red! Code Red! There's a chance he may turn...
CODE ORANGE: Diva Worship – Most little boys Hero Worship. It’s a real thing, you can look it up. They become obsessed with a sports star, or Michael Jackson, or their fathers, but little gay boys Diva Worship. It doesn’t go away either, it only grows stronger as they grow up, collecting more Divas to worship along the way. If you know a man that owns every single Mariah album, or has three pictures of himself with Bernadette Peters on his facebook… I’ve got news for you… you’ve reached Code Orange!
CODE YELLOW: Confirmed, or “rumored” contact – Once a man let’s his inhibitions go, and decides to make contact with a member of the same sex, he’s reached Code Yellow. A lot of guys do this in secret or on the DL so that they can remain hetero in their straight lives. It’s their business if they want to continue being “straight,” but if you’ve so much as heard a rumor from someone that they’ve hooked up with dudes… they move up to code yellow.... regardless of whether or not the rumor is true (it usually is.)
CODE GREEN: Bored and looking – If you know what that means…. You’ve reached code green. This level is for fully functional gay men, who enjoy the company of other gay men as often as their schedules permit. If you know a guy that carries condoms in his man bag… maybe even lube, a tooth brush, and a change of underwear….. then you know a guy who’s a full-on code green.
CODE BLUE: Pride in your butt – Guys who reach code blue have a lot to be proud of. They’re not ashamed to be gay, because they know that being gay, means being awesome! Just ask Neil Patrick Harris! Once a guy purchases his very first pride flag, or pride bracelet, or any rainbow paraphernalia for that matter, he elevates himself to a code blue. Code Blue's are usually past their slutty days and ready to settle down with a family. Right Neil?
CODE PURPLE: Woman Stuck in Man’s Body – There’s transvestites, transsexuals, transgenders, transatlantics, and cross-country-dressers (you know… it’s that thing where you get a bunch of Mexican drag queens and try to pass them off as Sarah Palin impersonators at the US border); NONE OF WHOM fit into any specific label… so I’m not going to try to say which trans is gayer (FYI: transvestites, usually aren’t even homosexual at all… ) Once you wear women’s clothing you’ve reached code Purple on the Dickter Scale… it’s the campiest color of all. AND WE LOVE CAMP. :)
Now you’re probably wondering “which color is David?” Well…. This one time at choir camp... I put on a blonde wig for a backwards cabaret performance of Evita. I guess that makes me a code purple.... maybe that's why the poster for my 52 songs concert is purple too... and now for a shamless plug:
... and now for the 90's jam of the week by one of my all time favorite DIVAs. Rush, Rush brings back so many memories of learning Paula choreography in 4th grade, and the video is spectacular in the way that only old videos can be. They tell stories and feature cameos by movie stars like Keanu Reeves:
DAVID DAVILA is half of the song-writing duo Havrilla & Davila, author of the Tex-Mex plays ADAN Y JULIO, MEN OF GOD, CREDO, REQUERDOS OF MY LIFE, and AZTEC PIRATES AND THE INSIGNIFICANCE OF LIFE ON MARS. He is a self proclaimed Voxist, a Diva enthusiast, and founder of Lone Star Theatre Co. Wanna talk about it? Catch a concert of David Davila's 52 Songs at the Laurie Beechman Theatre on Sept 5th. www.daviddavila.net
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