A monster that didn't exist, beach blanket bingo, and a beefed-up dude that screams like a woman.
By Bob Simpson (Writer)
Here we are at last! The final countdown for the best episode of MST3K. If you missed the last two lists, here's Part 1, and here's Part 2.
Before we get to the list, I want to give a shout-out to all the great projects that the MST3K gang is working on nowadays.
First off, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett have started a website called Rifftrax, that creates audio riffs that you can play along with modern-day films. There are some truly hilarious tracks, particularly 300 and the Twilight series. Here's their website.
A bunch of the writers from the show, including Joel Hodgson, Mary Joe Pehl, Trace Beaulieu and Frank Coniff started a group called Cinematic Titanic, that basically follows the same formula as MST3K. For more information, go here.
Now, on to the list! The TOP 10 BEST EPISODES IN MST3K HISTORY!
10. Monster A-Go-Go
Another movie with another headscratchingly awful title, as it implies that there a monsters everywhere in the film. That is untrue. There’s one…and there’s a catch to that point that I’ll get to in a bit.
Science fiction movies of this era tended to follow a number of factors that put them right in the firing line for the guys at MST3K. These include, but are not limited to:
- Radiation – Particularly a monster created by huge doses of radiation which, as we all know, is exactly what radiation does. It creates life. It is God’s special glowing soup for all of us to use. Obviously, I’m joking, but filmmakers in the 1950s seemed to be uniformly convinced that radiation was magic.
- Useless narrators – Directors make up for their horrible acting ensemble by casting an authoritative narrator that, literally, speaks the lines of dialogue for the actors! Here’s a thought: instead of hiring terrible actors and shouting them down with a narrator, how about you hire good actors!
- Lots of scenes of people meeting in a room and talking about stuff – These movies, almost without exception, include numerous scenes of people standing around in a lab or police station, talking about why this could have happened. It’s the old “show don’t tell” rule violated every which way.
The greatest violation, however, is how this movie resolves itself, a point that is met with audible groans from Joel, Crow and Servo. At the very end of the movie, during the climactic sewer scene where the men from the Army have almost caught the monster, the monster vanishes.
The narrator then informs us, “There was no monster.” I swear, my friends, that I am not making this up. Not only was this movie devoid of any monsters a-go-go, it was, apparently, completely devoid of monsters, despite the fact that we, the audience, visually saw a monster over and over again.
It’s nothing more than the director and writer, the infamous Bill Rebane (see Giant Spider Invasion from last week), being unable to come up with an ending and, instead, flipping the audience the bird.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[Two teenagers make out in a car. As the guy kisses the girl, a dog barks in the background[
Crow: He made her bark!
…..
[Shot of a phone, and, instead of a phone ringing noise, someone offscreen goes “Brrriiiing!”]
Joel: Unbelievable.
And that’s the title. Let that sink in for a moment.
Need more time? Sure, take a moment.
[in writing time, I’ve waited about a minute]
Okay, sorry, we have to move on, or we’ll never finish. As you can imagine from the…hem…title of this movie, this is one big, steaming pile of crap. Another film where the director plays the leading role, The Incredibly Strange Creatures (I’m not typing the whole thing again) is a convoluted, disjointed, gah gah mess of a film that takes place in a carnival. In said carnival, an evil fortune teller uses her powers to take over the minds of her customers, sending them out of murderous rampages against those who’ve scorned her, probably because of the thumb-sized mole on her face.
Add to that a Satan-possessed robotic monkey that screams at you to buy tickets, an overly trippy dream sequence that tries to look arty but instead is just plain confusing, the fortune teller’s weird manservant, Ortega, and lead character Jerry’s exotic friend Angelo from…I don’t know…Mepos or something, and you have one of the worst movies ever made.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Mike: Ortega taco shells are made from people!
…..
[after the fortune teller transforms a customer that shunned her advances]
Crow: The lesson, have sex with a fortune telling gypsy if she demands it.
…..
Mike [during opening credits]: The size of the word "presents" makes me think they're a little sheepish about this.
….
Servo [during dance number]: I think Corky St. Clair choreographed this.
…..
Jerry: The world's my college.
Crow: He's taking it pass/fail.
…..
Repeated line[every time Jerry or Angelo reach into their pockets]: Let me move my condom here.
8. Mitchell
Ma ma ma ma Mitchell. No, that’s not me drooling from a shock-induced state, that’s the opening line of the theme song from the movie, Mitchell.
Mitchell is a bit like Shaft, but instead of a super-cool, ladies’ man cop, we get doughy, dirty Joe Don Baker. Joe Don Baker was a constant target of the MST3K gang’s barbs (they also tackled Final Justice), and apparently he didn’t appreciate their digs, even claiming that he would beat the guys up if he ever saw them.
All his tough bravado doesn’t save what is a truly soul sucking super-cop movie set in the 70s. Mitchell, played by Baker, is a sloppy, unlikeable cop, kinda like most cops you get in these types of movies, except for one thing – he isn’t a very good cop. He’s constantly outwitted by the guys he’s trying to nab, and engages in such unethical behavior as sleeping with a prostitute that one of his suspects buys for him.
The highlight of the movie is John Saxon, who plays a super-suave business tycoon that is one of Mitchell’s murder suspects. I’m a big fan of John Saxon, because he was in Enter the Dragon. I don’t give a crap what else he does with his career – that movie was incredible. The downside of the John Saxon storyline is that it completely vanishes from the movie. You have a few scenes with Mitchell and Saxon’s character playing cat and mouse and, before you know it, the movie is over, and this storyline was never resolved. Pretty sloppy.
The movie tries to make this a comedy, painting Mitchell as a sloppy but loveable oaf, but all it does is make him a raging jackass. He treats everyone like dirt, including a kid passing by on his skateboard in one of the movie’s funnier moments:
This is a wonderful episode, but there is a downside to its hilarity: it was Joel Hodgson’s last episode on the show. On the show, Gypsy hears the mad scientists talking about offing one of their employees, and she wrongly believes that its Joel (they’re actually talking about their temp, Mike, who ends up taking Joel’s place). This leads to some awesome, brilliant, hilarious Gypsy scenes where she tries to figure out how to get Joel off the satellite and away from danger. In the end, Joel is spirited away, and Mike takes his place.
The reasons for Joel’s actual departure from the show mostly stem from a falling out with co-Producer Jim Mallon, and Joel has gone on record saying that he regrets leaving the show when he did. The upside is that it opened the door for head writer Michael J. Nelson to take over the human role on the riffing team. Still, what Joel created is truly a blessing to our great nation, and I humbly thank him for his great work
One last side note, before we move on. There’s a lot of debate out there amongst the fans of the show over who was the better human: Joel or Mike. I don’t want to get into this debate except to say that both are gifted comedians and excelled in the role. Personally, I like to see Joel as the creator, and Mike as the innovator. Joel made the machine, and Mike took the wheel and perfected it. The show wouldn’t have been the same without them.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Repeated line [Whenever Mitchell does something remotely active, ala Shaft]: Mitchell!
.....
[Deaney points gun]
Deaney: Hey!
Joel: What?
[Deaney fires]
Joel: Oh.
…..
Joel [as Mitchell]: Man, I am constantly confused.
…..
Joel: Mitchell - even his name says "is that a beer?"
…..
[During lame car chase]
Crow: This makes Driving Miss Daisy look like Bullit.
…..
Servo [as Mitchell coming home from dinner]: Oh man, I'm so hungry. Only two steaks for dinner, didn't finish my orange, all the frozen yogurt places were closed. Big buttery moon up there. Sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard…stairs look like cake.
…..
[Mitchell lies in his bed, surrounded by empty beer can]
Joel: It's a very special Joe Don Baker Christmas.
…..
Servo: Um, guys, wasn't John Saxon in this movie?
…..
Gypsy [thinking of an escape plan for Joel]: Ennuuuuuuuiiiiiiii!
…..
[After the mad scientists discover Joel has escaped]
Gypsy: So, do you think they'll send us a new guy?
Servo: Oh they will eventually, but until then...Panic!
[everyone panics]
7. Horror of Party Beach
Though I cannot remember the first episode of MST3K that I saw on television, I will tell you the episode that made the deepest impression with me. It was Horror of Party Beach.
I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that the first act of this movie is the greatest performance by the riffers, over all their other episodes. It. Is. Genius.
The movie is your classic beach horror film, with a radioactive monster (sound familiar?) terrorizing a local east coast community. The opening scene of the film, however, is what makes this episode rank so high on the list. In those first fifteen or so minutes, the riffers tackle…a Beach Blanket Bingo-style party, and it’s pure gold. The film’s beach party features horrible jokes, a surf band, a sloppily choreographed fight scene featuring a biker gang, and more babushkas than should be allowed on a beach.
The opening segment is so brilliant, so perfectly encapsulating the MST3K mission, that the rest of the movie is almost a disappointment. As soon as they discover the body of the monster’s first victim, my heart sinks. It’s not that the rest of the episode is bad. It’s just that the first segment is so jaw-droppingly brilliant, that nothing could follow it.
You’ve got actors doing their best Marilyn Monroe impressions (it’s sad, really), a monster with a mouthful of pickles or hotdogs, and Mike trying on a tiny speedo. If the rest of the film didn’t drag, this would be the clear #1.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[During beach fight scene, one guy tosses another scantily clad man in a ridiculous manner, ending in a weird spinning kick]
Crow: Hang on let me toss a gay man at you.
…..
[During opening credits]
Mike: So what is additional dialogue anyway?
Crow: Things like ‘hey you’, ‘get off that’ and ‘why not?’
…..
[Guys dumping barrels of toxic waste into the ocean]
Servo: I hope that's Paula Cole in there.
…..
Servo [as Johnny Mathis]: Chances are that I'll kick your scrawny ass.
…..
[close up on a dancing butt]
Crow: Miss, could you clear the shot please? Miss!
…..
[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]
Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor!
…..
[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]
Mike [as Gang Leader]: You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.
…..
[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish"]
Mike: Wait— "Look Polish?"
Servo: Huh?
Mike: It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—see? It says "Look Polish"!
Servo: "Look Polish"!
Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"
…..
[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]
Elaine: [whispering] I hear something.
Servo [as Elaine]: [whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!
6. Prince of Space
Our Japanese allies have made some truly horrible garbage, but fortunately, we get to enjoy it through the comedy of MST3K! Prince of Space is the highest ranking of the Japanese films covered by MST3K and, like many of the others, is actually based on a Japanese TV series that was mashed together and packaged into a movie.
Prince of Space, posing by day as boot-black, Wally, defends Earth against some of the most incompetent alien invaders ever to grace our solar system. The chief problem with the movie is that Prince of Space is, as he reminds the villains constantly throughout the movie, incapable of being harmed by their weapons.
Whaaaaaaaaaaa?
Then where’s the tension? Where’s the drama? Where’s the risk?
I’ll tell you where – in some other country. How this movie doesn’t last eight minutes including both sets of credits is beyond me. The shining light in this movie is the voiceover actor that plays the part of Mickey, garbling out Mickey’s lines in a thick Brooklyn accent, which makes the job the riffers have to do that much easier.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Japanese Guy: Is your watch right?
[Conversation is interrupted by fly-by of alien space ship. Everyone runs outside to look.}
Mike: Is his watch right? We may never know.
…..
Servo [as Mickey]: Whassa madda wit boot blackin I like it veeeery much.
…..
[First shot of Phantom of Krankor’s vessel]
Crow [as Mickey]: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!
…..
[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]
Crow [as Headline]: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
Mike [as Headline]: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.
…..
[We hear a barking dog running past]
Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]: Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
[A police car drives past in the same direction]
Mike: After that dog!
…..
[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]
CO: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
Mike [as CO]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.
…..
[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]
Phantom: What a fool!
Servo [as Phantom]: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?
5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Conquers is a pretty strong word for this title. The appropriate word, or phrase in this case, is “coddles to the point where they all just give up.”
See, there’s a problem on Mars. The children are little more than robots, void of happiness or the desire to play. To solve this conundrum, Kemar, leader of the Martians, decides to capture the jolliest man on Earth and bring him to Mars to make the children happy. This happens to be that jolly old bad of mint himself, Santa Claus.
The movie is a jumble of horrible effects and props, ridiculous costumes, and terrible, terrible stock acting. Most to blame are Droppo, the “Laziest Man on Mars”, and Voldar, the villain. The villain might as well have a curly mustache and try to tie Santa Claus to a Martian railroad track (note: he does have the mustache).
Fun fact: the movie stars a young Pia Zadora. End of fun fact.
My favorite part of this episode is the new Christmas Carol that Crow tries to introduce to the public: “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas.”
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[As the wise Martian pauses, a roll of thunder is heard.]
Servo: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.
…..
Repeated Line [as Betty]: What's Vietnam?
4. Werewolf
It needs to be said that the next three movies on this list were really, really, really hard to put in order. You should view this as my kind suggestion, as there are days when I’m really not sure which of these movies is better (except for #1).
Werewolf is a foreign movie, posing as an American movie, starring a bunch of people that have trouble speaking English. It also has Martin Sheen’s brother (also featured in Soultaker, covered by MST3K).
A group of archaeologists discover the bony remains of a werewolf out in the desert of…I don’t know…America, I guess. The villain of the film, Yuri, immediately starts bashing random people with the skull of the werewolf skeleton, thereby infecting them with…I don’t know…the werewolf’s DNA? As people transform into the werewolf, they tend to die hideous and unplanned deaths, like crashing into a pile of barrels in the middle of the street, or being shot by Joe Estevez.
The movie features a zany cast of characters, highlighted by the ingénue, Natalie, an actress from…I don’t know…Europe, who can not only barely speak English, but has the inflection of a pint of margarine. She is, without a doubt, the worst actor to appear in the show’s history (sorry, Teenage Strangler’s Mikey). Here, just watch this:
There’s also a scraggly militia man that wanders around the main-character’s house, talking about Dracula’s sexual orientation, and a real estate agent that refuses to wear any pants. It’s comedy gold.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Natalie: So it all comes to this? You and Noel is in this for fame and fortune? Well, I won’t stand for it. You hear me?
[Natalie leaves the bar to search for Paul]
Mike [as Natalie]: I is going to find Paul.
…..
[Natalie enters Paul’s house]
Mike [as Natalie]: Honey, I is being home.
[Natalie walks upstairs in Paul’s house]
Servo [as Natalie]: Paul, is you at this place?
…..
Noel: "At the risk of sounding nuts..."
Crow [as Noel]: "I've replaced my toes with grapes."
…..
[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]
Servo: I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.
…..
[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]
Crow [as Natalie]: Paul, you is a wahrwilf!
…..
[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]
Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
3. Space Mutiny
What’s better than a big, beefy action hero? Why, a big beefy action hero that screams like a girl!
You get all this and more in the epic catastrophe that is Space Mutiny – a film so cheap, that it takes place on a ship composed entirely of a boiler room and blatantly rips off footage from the original Battlestar Galactica. And no, I don’t mean that some of the footage seems similar to Galactica, I mean it is straight up, unabashedly, stolen from Battlestar Galactica.
Space Mutiny’s plot consists of a mutiny occurring on a massive ship called the Southern Sun. What is the mutiny about? Don’t really know. What is the mutineers end goal? Can’t say. Why did this movie get made? Boredom.
You’ve got horrible effects, transports that reach speeds of a turtle and look like go-karts, anorexic dancers that possess mystical powers, and a villain named Calgon. You read that right – Calgon.
The movie in itself is so hilariously awful that you don’t really need the MST3K guys to make it funny, but man do they help. In addition to the girl-screaming hero (to which the riffers assign some hilarious names), you have an ingénue that is around sixty years old, and a commander that looks like Santa Claus. There are far, far too many great moments and quotes to list for this film, so I’ll take my pick. But first, this:
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[Character has just died, but reappears in background of next scene.]
Mike: Wait a minute, she's dead!
Servo: Yeah, she died!
Captain: Commander…
Crow [as Captain]: I think it was great for you to give that dead girl a second chance.
[Captain again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]
Mike [as Captain]: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.
…..
[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
…..
[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]
Crow: Slab Bulkhead!
Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike: Splint Chesthair!
Mike: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike: Thick McRunfast!
Mike: Blast Hardcheese!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike: Stump Beefknob!
Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Servo: Dirk Hardpec!
Mike: Rip Steakface!
Crow: Slate Slabrock!
Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Crow: Rip Slagcheek!
Servo: Punch Sideiron!
Mike: Gristle McThornbody!
Crow: Slate Fistcrunch!
Mike: Buff Hardback!
Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Servo: Blast Thickneck!
Crow: Crunch Buttsteak!
Mike: Slab Squatthrust!
Servo: Lump Beefbroth!
Crow: Touch Rustrod!
Mike: Reef Blastbody!
Mike: Big McLargeHuge!
Mike: Smoke ManMuscle!
Servo: Eat Punchbeef!
Mike: Hack Blowfist!
Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef!
2. Manos: The Hands of Fate (With Bonus Short: Hired, Part 2)
The screening process to determine which movies that MST3K would tackle was an arduous one – a task solely undertaken by writer (and TV’s Frank on the show) Frank Coniff during the first few seasons of the show. Manos: The Hands of Fate, was a movie so completely awful, so mind-numbingly bad, that the group almost felt like they couldn’t successfully riff it. That’s right, Manos: The Hands of Fate was a movie so terrible, that it couldn’t be made funny.
Fortunately, they did it anyway.
Manos: The Hands of Fate is almost universally considered to be the worst movie ever made. Worse than The Room. Worse than Birdemic. Worse than Battlefield Earth, and once you see Manos for the first time, you will see why. It’s almost a miracle how awful it is. Probably had something to do with the director/star/writer, Harold P. Warren, who also happened to be an El Paso manure salesman.
I won’t even go into the plot, because I have absolutely no idea what the movie is about. All I know is that the movie was such a disaster, so horribly led, that the actor that plays the manservant, Torgo, suffered severe knee damage due to his costume and committed suicide not long after the film was screened. That’s not funny. It’s just a sign of what an abomination this movie is.
The sound is completely jumbled in the film, due to the camera used by the director, which could not record sound and could only shoot for thirty seconds at a time. The acting is…non-existent, and it has become clearer and clearer to me that the only reason the movie was made was for the fifteen minute gang brawl between “The Master's” vampire wives. There are huge, pregnant pauses in the film, probably because no one knew what they were doing, and, oh yeah, there’s a guy in a big black and red mumu.
The episode for Manos became so popular, that it is even being given an encore performance with all new material. Rifftrax (the company with Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett) will host a live feed of Manos in select movie theaters, featuring new material. I recommend you check it out, just to say you’ve seen the worst movie ever.
The episode also features the best short that the MST3K guys ever covered – a training video for Chevy salesman. It’s a true, true gem.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]
Joel: [snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God!
…..
[As the end credits roll...]
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?
…..
[women in convertible are putting top up]
Crow [ as passenger]: Oh no! There’s something catching up to us – oh, wait, it’s just the top. I’m intensely stupid!
1. Girl in Gold Boots
Though Manos is by far the worst film the MST3K gang took on, I just don’t think it was the funniest episode. That title goes to, without a doubt in my mind, to Girl in Gold Boots.
A sixties drama that tries to be like Easy Rider, except horrible, Girl in Gold Boots stars a trio of never-agains that team up to travel out to Los Angeles to make a name for themselves. There’s Buz, the “icky elf”, a small time crook. There’s Michelle, the ingénue that wants to be a dancer but can’t…you know…dance…at all. Then there’s Critter, the hippie draft dodger that plays a guitar. You really want them all to die, trust me.
The trio soons gets buried in the dirty underworld of the Los Angeles crime scene, and it makes for the greatest laughs the MST3K gang ever produced (it’s Mike Nelson’s favorite episode, BTW).
Girl in Gold Boots, though not a sci-fi or fantasy movie, is MST3K reaching its pinnacle of perfection. The riffs are genius. The movie is terrible enough that the guys don’t have to work too hard, and, of course, there are a bunch of terrible songs. It also features one of the best skits in MST3K history, with Mike singing the “I Am Sad” tune:
If you watch only one episode of MST3K, make it Girl in Gold Boots. You will not be sorry.
Favorite Quotes from episode:
Repeated Line [as Buz]: I’m an icky elf!
…..
[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]
Servo [as Buz]: I'm back!
Mike [as Buz]: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow [as Buz]: C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!
…..
[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]
Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
…..
[Buz pulls up to a diner, simply named “Eat”]
Mike: Ah, the nights we spent over brandy at Eat.
…..
[Joanie presents the newly dressed Michelle to Buz with a flourish]
Crow [as Michelle]: Tawdaaaaaaaaaaw!
…..
[Critter punches greasy-haired bad guy]
Mike: Splash.
…..
[Harry and Buz are breaking into prison]
Harry [handing Buz a trash can]: Here. This’ll give you something to do with those busy hands.
Crow: Gah! What is he implying?
My friends, that is it! I've been wanting to do this list for a very long time, so thanks for reading, and go check out Mystery Science Theater 3000!
BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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