Crazytown

The season when bags of wondrous Candy Corn are readily available is now upon us. It's fall in New York City, when the air is crisp and the subways smell a little less like urine. Autumn: it is my favorite time of year.
By Leah Bonnema

Fall brings with it a lot of things: school starting (even though I'm no longer in school I do love buying notebooks), school team sports like soccer, field hockey and then some other ones that I didn't play so I don't really care about ONLY CHILD (even though I'm no longer playing on any teams I still feel like I should be taking out my cleats and shin guards), Halloween candy, football season (even though I wrote my Honors Thesis in college - bragging - in Women's Studies I do LOVE football, Faith Hill and the gladiators of the gridiron), less humidity and better hair days.

This rabbit looks suspiciously like my guinea pig Tupac

I'm sure that everyone is fully aware and slightly hard because Candy Corn is out in stores already (as an avid Candy Cornist I genuinely believe that this year's batch is better than ever, softer and with more flavor, really, I'm not making that up - if you don't believe me get up on some and try to argue otherwise - honestly I don't know why we are fighting about this).

Lewis Black happens to have the best bit about Candy Corn out there, and even though he is anti The Corn, it is still a great bit. (Which by the way I think proves that I don't expect everyone to have the same opinion as me in life, but if we do disagree, it better be funny.)

Little known history, after my mother's car accident when she was in a coma we would play music and comedy and whatever we could in her ICU room. We played a lot of Lewis Black specials because I have them all on my computer and they are less laced with expletives than other albums in my collection. My dad and I may have laughed to this bit a hundred times to keep ourselves from crying. And might I say that it worked (among other things that conspired together for miracle making) and my mom is doing amazing.

I grew up in western Maine. When I am not in Maine I tell people that I'm from NORTHERN Maine because that's what you have to say if you're not from a place in Maine where Lobster is ubiquitous in order for people to understand that there is more state outside of bottom feeding shellfish. The Maine mountains and forests in the fall (well all year actually but fall is my favorite - as was the premise of this piece if you recall) are just breathtakingly beautiful.

This little bit of Maine Lobstah history was relayed to me by my mother who is a very literal person so it must be completely accurate and not exaggerated at all. (Really Leah, was it a million people?! I don't think it was million, I bet it was more like eleven or twelve people, hardly a million, barely even a lot actually, let's be honest.) Apparently the first time I ever saw lobster brought to the table at a fancy dining establishment we had just passed the big glass tanks where I'd seen them alive so when the waiter put down the plate I started crying and yelling "You're eating someones mommy!!!!" And an overly sensitive, highly dramatic, sometimes vegetarian was born.

Maine Beauty: we really cornered the market on fall foliage

Fall is also when one kicks it up a notch, goes full gear, productivity time. This autumn is off to a great start: I just posted an almost a clean set on-line, one of my besties and funniest comics out there Kendra Cunningham got Time Out NY's Joke of the Week AND Huffington Post's Laugh of the Day, I went on a hot date with my balls&chain to our local polling site to vote in the primaries which I find very romantic (MAKE SURE YOU ARE REGISTERED TO VOTE), and, drum roll please, I hung up curtains! I have had a blanket nailed over one of my windows for FIVE years and this last week I mentally walked out of the college dorm and hung up some baby blue curtains like the f'ing lady I sometimes am.

This fall I'm incredibly excited about the podcast Little Ethnic Girls hosted by the very lovely and talented comedians Helen Hong and Maria Shehata - if you haven't already - subscribe, listen up, tune in! And coming this October I'm very much looking forward to GLOC's 2 Year Anniversary Show at 92Y Tribeca and the Reformed Whores record release party of Ladies Don't Spit. I highly recommend all three events/activities/life-changing artistic endeavours to everyone.

Seemingly unrelated but something that made me tres happy when I saw it this week and I hope it does the same for you (so completely related to EVERYTHING as happiness is a big deal banana peel, a very big Gwen Stefani B-A-N-A-N-A (s) deal) is the below picture which reminds me of friendship and standing up for people.

Quite possibly the best photo message ever

Fall is also the season of pumpkin everything: pumpkin lattes, pumpkin candles, pumpkin flavored condoms, etc. I personally want none of it. The only thing that should be pumpkin is an actual pumpkin (or as my Granny would say punkin), a jack o'lantern, pumpkin pie (my father actually makes a fanfuckingtastical pumpkin pie, and apple pie, bragging again, from scratch) and the scary dude with a pumpkin on his head. But if an orange gourd-like squash is your thing then by all means get you some cucurbita! Since I don't do punkins, I already contemplated playing my favorite Christmas music album, but that did seem a tad premature.

Happy Fall Y'all! Autumn it up like you ain't never autumned before.

Leah Bonnema is a Stand Up Comic. www.LeahBonnema.com
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