Crazytown

We continue our Presidential series featuring that guy with the weird name.
By Bob Simpson (Writer)

Remember in school when you learned about our nation’s presidents? George Washington - The Father of Our Country. John Adams - The Cranky Uncle of Our Country. Abraham Lincoln - super-tall dude that freed the slaves. Theodore Roosevelt – saved a bunch of trees and said “bully” a lot. Franklin Roosevelt – had polio, kicked Hitler’s ass, died with his mistress (no one remembers that, but CLINTON GOT A BJ).

These great men, and many others, steered our country through difficult and/or inspirational times, often without the use of stuff like the internet or The Thighmaster. Yet, it is the larger-than-life status of these great men that have dwarfed our lesser-known chief executives, and for the next several weeks, leading up to the election in November, I’m going to give those men their due, for good or ill.

Last week, I highlighted the career of the forgotten but completely brilliant administration of James K. Polk. This week, we take a few steps back, not in time, but in overall intelligence and effectiveness as a leader.

Let me put it this way…

Millard Fillmore.

Funny name right? He’s got that comic strip with the duck based off of his name (fun Bob fact: knew about the comic strip before the president). You may be wondering if Millard Fillmore should be remembered for anything else but a stupid name, and the answer is no, of course not. He was a giant loser. Sorry, Spirits of Presidents Past, but Millard Fillmore was the presidential equivalent of Shannon from Lost.

Let’s find out more!

Brief Background

Fillmore was born in a log cabin (oooooh, original) in New York. Before beginning his life in public service, he served in the New York state militia during The Mexican War, which I think is akin to serving in the Texas Air National Guard today. Sure, you did some military service, but, you know, come on, really?

He began his political career by serving in the New York State Assembly, and was elected to his first term in the House of Representatives in 1832 as a member of the Whig party (little know fact: Whig is actually an acronym – William Hostettler Is German…not sure about the origins here). After declining to run for Congress in 1842, Fillmore unsuccessfully ran for Governor of New York in 1844.

When general and war hero Zachary Taylor was given the Whig nomination for President, Fillmore was added as his Vice-President, so the Whigs would be able to capture New York in the election (a strategy that should only be used when the running mate is from empty, frozen states like Alaska). This paid off in the relatively close election, as Zachary Taylor won 163 electoral votes and defeated Lewis Cass and former president Martin Van Buren, and Taylor began what would prove to be a long and arduous term…of 2 years. Taylor died on July 9, 1850, leaving Fillmore at the helm.

As President

Fillmore’s term as President cannot be labeled as an unmitigated disaster. Rather, it should be labeled as the super-sonic jet plane flying you to the unmitigated disaster. Fillmore had to deal with an increasingly fractious Whig Party, and nation in general, as the ever-nagging question of how to handle the expansion or scaling-back of slavery dominated the political atmosphere.

There’s really only one example that needs to be given to illustrate Fillmore’s administration: The Compromise of 1850. This compromise, initially penned by perennial presidential loser, Henry Clay, tried to deal with the admittance of newly acquired American territory to the union, particularly California, Texas and New Mexico, and how slavery should be defined in these new territories. While The Compromise of 1850 did prevent secession and war, and was, at first, very popular, it also marked a turning point in the overall sense of cooperation between Northern and Southern states, and was the beginning of the end for the Whig party (replaced by Republicans…so…thanks Millard). As for the fact that it prevented a war, I’d compare it to stopping a freight train with a toy freight train. Sure, it might confuse the big train, but the big train’s gonna get through anyway.

The most controversial part of the compromise was The Fugitive Slave Act, which demanded that all slaves that had escaped to the north be returned, forcing northern businesses and citizens (Mitt Romney thinks they’re the same thing) to endorse the institution of slavery. It is the most defining mistake of Fillmore’s brief administration.

When the time for re-election came, Fillmore was passed over for general and war hero Winfield Scott (cause shit it worked the first time), but the Whigs lost the election.

So, what became of our pal, Millard? Well, he ran for president again in 1856 as a member of the uber-racist American Party (the political identity of the Know-Nothing movement), and lost. After this, he did a bunch of work in Buffalo, which I guess is nice, but his public career was essentially over.

Fillmore suffered a stroke in 1874, and, lying on his deathbed, being fed some soup, he uttered his last words:

“The nourishment is palatable.”

...

Excuse me? Can you repeat that, will full awareness that these are your last words on planet earth?

“The nourishment is palatable.”

…

Okay, that’s what I thought you said, but I was hoping I was wrong. I was hoping you’d utter something awesome like John Adams with “Jefferson lives,” you know? Try to redeem your boring, ineffective life in the eyes of your nation.

Instead, you’re saying, “Yummy soup,” right? That’s what you’re saying, except you’re using inflated, nonsense language? Right? “Yummy soup.”

“The nourishment is palatable.”

…

Are you dead yet?

Some additional Fillmore Fun Facts:

None

BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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