With only 10 episodes left of the trashy prime time soap, will we ever find out who Gossip Girl is and why she wants to destroy Serena van der Woodsen?
By David Davila (playwright/song-writer)
I LOVE TRASHY PRIME TIME SOAPS!!!! I F**KING LOVE THEM!!!! And Gossip Girl had me by the balls in the first ten minutes of its classic pilot episode. When the secretive narrator announces via her paparazzi style website that “It Girl” Serena van der Woodsen is returning to New York after a mysterious year at boarding school, I had to know what her secrets were… and she had plenty… drugs, murder, and betrayal!
All the inhabitants of Gossip Girl’s privileged Upper East Side Manhattan had buckets of juicy secrets, and as a playwright I LOVE SECRETS! Now with only ten episodes left I’m desperately hoping that all the questions we have pondered over the years, and the characters we’ve come to love and hate get the resolutions they deserve...
SPOILER ALERT: The second biggest mystery after the identity of Gossip Girl was Bart Bass’ mysterious death and his involvement with that weird sex club, which was finally resolved at the end of season five. Thank goodness that story line can be tied up nicely.
So here is my wishlist for GG: the top ten things I'd like to see happen in Gossip Girl's final season. It’s my desperate plea to the Gossip Girl writers to wrap up all the loose ends and give resolution to all the characters. Too bad season six has already been written and filmed and it’s very unlikely my little list will make any kind of difference. Oh well… FYI: there may be a few more spoilers ahead if you're not caught up with season five.
10. Georgina Sparks gets hers. The character everyone LOVES TO HATE needs to get some karma handed to her on a cold plate. Wouldn’t we all love to see her burn at the stake? The “Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side,” MUST meet a bitter end!
9. Tripp van der Bilt returns and takes off his clothes. I mean… Aaron Tveit doesn’t get enough love, and he’s always wearing too much clothing. He needs to return and murder his cousin Nate Archibald or something. No one likes Nate anyway, and we all love the delicious Congressman even if he did try to ruin his cousin’s career and abandoned Serena at the scene of a terrible car accident.
(Robert John Burke and Ed Westwick as Bart and Chuck Bass)
8. Chuck Bass takes back control of Bass Enterprises. He fought for so long to gain control, rescue, and rebuild his father’s legacy only to have it taken away from him so quickly when the truth about his father’s mysterious death finally came to light. Chuck must either take back control or quickly build his own successful empire.
(Caroline Lagerfelt and Kaylee DeFer as Cece Rhodes and her fake granddaughter Charlie, aka Ivy Dickens)
7. Social climber Ivy Dickens marries into money. When the talented Ms. Ripley, aka Ivy Dickens, proclaims in season four that she’s a Rhodes now and no one can stop her, it was a very chilling moment. We may never know the truth about what Ivy did to inherit the Rhodes' fortune when Cece died. It's quite possible that she poisoned Cece for that inheritence. Either way, she is much more ruthless then the GG crew is giving her credit for. Someone as ambitious as her will not settle for a small million dollar pay off. When she rips up Lily’s five million dollar check, it wasn’t because she wanted family, it was because she wants something even bigger; status.
6. Rufus should use his forgotten son Scott to get half of Lilly’s fortune. Mostly I just want them to acknowledge that Serena and Dan share this weird (badly cast) half-brother who disappeared after causing tons of drama. LAME. Plus, it was hard to watch Lily choose her money over the love of her life. Something’s gotta give here.
5. The return of Jenny, Vanessa, and Eric. Three of the main characters that have departed the show over the years due to rumored fights with producers will more than likely NOT be returning in the final ten episodes. I just wish that everyone could act like adults and put their differences aside for the sake of art, or in this case; a trashy primetime soap… and besides I want to see Jenny become a famous fashion designer. Maybe Jenny could be the new designer for Eleanor Waldorf Ltd, now that Eleanor is retired and Blair is running the family business.
4. Serena and Dan find closure. It’s hard to say what I want for Serena and Dan. As much as they were the “It Couple” of the show, their creepy step-sibling relationship and “I love you, never mind I’m over you” bedroom talk has become the most annoying thing on the show. As a writer, I have no idea where I would go with this story line, but it needs some closure. Either way audiences are going to be disappointed.
3. Kristen Bell MUST be Gossip Girl!!!!! No other person will be acceptable to GG fans. Sorry.
2. Chuck and Blair come to some kind of mutual agreement. Whether it’s a marriage contract or an agreement to be secret lovers their entire lives, this romance deserves some kind of overly romantic ending.
1. The only thing more important than WHO Gossip Girl’s is, is WHY she is who she is. Who the hell is this person, and why has he/she had it out for Serena and the crew this whole time? For half of season four I thought it was going to turn out that the real Charlie Rhodes was Gossip Girl. How awesome would that have been? Jealous of the perfect life her cousin Serena led, and with an unending amount of disposable cash from her grandmother Cece - Charlie Rhodes would have been the PERFECT Gossip Girl. Too bad they f**ked up my theory by making Charlie a lame actress from Julliard that isn’t even excited when she gets cast in WICKED. What a waste of a plot line. Gossip Girl better be someone REALLY effing cool!
Gossip Girl returns to the CW on October 8th for its final ten episodes. Keeping my fingers crossed that it’s a jaw-dropping, diva-slapping, secret-twist-revealing good time!!!
… and now for the 90’s jam of the week, in honor of all the trashy-prime-time-soap secrets of the Upper East Side… I’m gonna take you back to 1994, with Madonna’s secret. You know after all these years analyzing these lyrics, I’m still not sure what her baby’s secret is.
DAVID DAVILA is half of the song-writing duo Havrilla & Davila, author of the Tex-Mex plays ADAN Y JULIO, MEN OF GOD, CREDO, REQUERDOS OF MY LIFE, and AZTEC PIRATES AND THE INSIGNIFICANCE OF LIFE ON MARS. He is a self proclaimed Voxist, a Diva enthusiast, and founder of Lone Star Theatre Co. Wanna talk about it? www.daviddavila.net
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