Crazytown

By Douglas Byrne (Cheese Enthusiast)

Anyone who knows me even slightly knows that I love cheese. I have a love affair with the creamy, salty, yummy, stinky, dreamy stuff. It is inspired by this passionate obsession that I found myself stalking the cheesemonger.

While enjoying the weekend visiting loved ones, we all were entertained by a rousing showing of Modern Marvels on the History Channel. This particular Modern Marvel segment was dedicated to -- you guessed it -- cheese! In addition to educating us on cheese history and manufacturing, the segment was peppered with knowledgeable commentary by some of the nation's top cheesemongers, from New York to L.A. It was here that I was first "introduced" to Mr. Steve Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins is a world renowned cheesemonger and has been awarded, among other high cheese honors, membership into France's 800 year-old Guilde de St. Uguzon (yes, they actually have a cheese award that is essentially four times older than our country itself), and he's been inducted into the honorary Chevalier du Taste-Fromage. (This is significant because the French love cheese almost as much as I do.) He has written books on the food industry and one honoring the creamy wonder itself, entitled Cheese Primer. I guess you could call him, well, "The Big Cheese." (Yes, boys and girls, I went there). He also happens to work in New York.

Coincidentally, I was in NYC for a few days and decided that I must find Mr. Jenkins and secure his autograph on a copy of his book. But how would I ever find The Big Cheese in The Big Apple?

Like any good stalker, I look him up on Google. First, I begin by searching for the Modern Marvels episode that featured cheese. Easy. YouTube. Then, I fast-forwarded to the part where I first saw Mr. Jenkins and found a mention of his place of business. For 30 years he has been working at Fairway Market, of which there are four in the NYC area. How do I know which one to search? I look deeper into Google. (It knows pretty much everything.) I find a certain video interview with Mr. Jenkins at the Upper West Side location and thought, "I have it! You can't hide from me, Cheese Genius!" So like any good Boy Scout (of which I was not an actual member), I check before I trek. I call the Upper West Side location.

"Fairway Market. This is Sharisse. How may I help you?"

"Uh, Hey Sharisse. Do you guys carry Cheese Primer, by Steve Jenkins?"

"Yes we do."

Very coolly, I add, "Um, is Mr. Jenkins working today?"

"He works at the uptown location."

"Thank you."

I'm so excited that I hang up without realizing that I don't know where the uptown store is actually located.

"Fairway Market. This is Sharisse. How may I help you?"

"Uh, Hey Sharisse. Me again." [Try to act natural.] "Um, where exactly IS the uptown location?"

"12th Ave and 130th St."

"Thank you."

For the next two minutes I scramble online to find the uptown location's address and phone number. Bingo! It's listed, not under "uptown location," but rather "Harlem" location. I call the Harlem location.

"Fairway Market. This is Michelle. How may I help you?"

"Hey Michelle. Do you carry the book Cheese Primer, by Steve Jenkins?"

"Hold on, let me check."

"Sure." [Breathe. Remember to breathe. I feel like I am breaking into the Pentagon or something. Like I have some huge secret that no one else knows.]

"Yes, we have it over next to the cheese department."

[Gulp.] "Is Mr. Jenkins working today?"

"Hold on, let me check."

"Of course." [Tick-tock.]

"Yes sir, he's here right now, but I don't know how much longer he'll be in the building."

Shit! What was I going to do? Elvis was leaving the building at any moment. It was 10:38 a.m. and I had an interview at 11:00 a.m! Decisions, decisions. I would not be thwarted! No! I would consider this an adventure and get his autograph one way or another. It may not be today, but at least I would take the chance, chart my route, maybe do a dry run, go to his department in the market and peruse the inventory so that I might possibly have an intelligent question to ask him... You know, the usual stalker modus operandi.

So, on to Google Maps I went. This thing is genius in NYC! It gives you car routes, walking routes, and, most exciting for me, public transportation routes! Remember when I said this was the Harlem location? Well, let me tell you what I know about Harlem: The Globetrotters and the Clintons. That's it. Though the subway route seemed pretty straightforward, considering the time, my cheesemonger's imminent departure at any moment, and my own lack of knowledge of the area, I decided not to risk wasting a trip by possibly missing him, and postponed my visit until the next day. But I wasn't free until after 11:00 a.m.

Oh God, would Steve still be there after 11:00? (I feel at this point I can call him Steve. Not to his face, of course. But you and I can talk about him intimately that way.)

Only time would tell.

Douglas Byrne likes cheese.
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