Earlier this week I took a major plunge and got my hair cut shorter than it has been in the past five years. “Plunge” may seem to be a strong word, but as a long time worshipper of long tresses, I can tell you that this experience bordered on the traumatic. You know when you hear about people hiding behind their hair, using it as a crutch in the face of their insecurities, and falling slave to a host of other embarrassing dependency issues as a result?
Yeah that’s me.
But eventually I overcame these problems and now I feel very much like Marion Cotillard, except less glamorous and less French.
In order to prepare myself for such a drastic physical transition, I did what any paranoid, unoriginal, and semi-tech savvy person would do – I turned to the world wide web for inspiration. While sifting through celebrity examples (The Rachel was weirdly at the top of my list, but that might be because there was a Friends marathon on tv that night), I came across some wonderfully horrible haircuts.
One accidental internet search led to another and before I could say monumental-waste-of-time I was up to my eyeballs in the hair-donts of the stars.
So, in honor of my stylistic evolution, I’d like to share some of the most entertainingly horrific gems I discovered.
4. Angelina Jolie
This woman scares me, regardless of context or appearance. But with this particular hairstyle, I get the vibe of an older, sadistic Annie - things didn't really work out well for her after the finale.
3. Justin Timberlake
The late 90s-early-2000s were confusing times for celebrities, especially those of the funky-poptart boy band persuasion. One could argue that he wasn't in his right mind for most of 1999 due to choreography induced burnouts and excess synthesizer feedback scrambling his brain. You can almost forgive Justin for this hideous, misguided attempt at a hairdo. Almost. But not quite.
2. Scarlett Johanson
I'm sure this was for a role because I just cant fathom a bombshell like Scarlett Johansson doing this to herself otherwise. It looks a little like a mullet that forgot to take its vitimins and grew up sickly and scrawny, just like our mothers said we would if we shirked our vitimin consuming responsibilities.
But my ultimate winner is
1. Nicolas Cage.
I really don't have much to say about this. I'm pretty sure it is obvious from the look on his face that he is kind of speechless as well. Nick Cage has had a bevy of creepy coifs over the years for different acting gigs, but in between jobs his hair always seems to revert back into some amorphous variation of this look. I blame his time working with Cher.
Close Encounters of a Patron Kind
The show is done and the house has been emptied. After making my final rounds I step out on the curb to wait for my ride. As I stand by the valet parking kiosk, I overhear the conversation of a group of teenagers nearby debating the finer points of the musical they'd just seen, Flashdance.
Teen 1: That show was incredible. The choreography was amazing.
Teen 2: Did you see how hot that main girl?
Teen 3: I was so amazed that those actors could dance that much and still have enough breath to sing beautifully!
Teen 2: But did you see how hot that main girl was?
Teen 1: I know! And the songs were so catchy! That show was so much better than I thought it'd be.
Teen 2: Yeah, but did you see - ?
Teen 3: KENNY! If you keep going on about this so help me god we will not be taking you with us to see the Rockettes in December.
Teen 2: Wait....that show has hot girls in it?
is currently a college student and eternally a writer. An old movie aficionado, her interests include show tunes, singing loudly, and singing show tunes loudly. She also provides a (dramatic) running commentary on the life of a young writer.www.annissaness.tumblr.com
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