WALK WALK FASHION BABY

If you've ever seen someone walking down the street wearing something "cool" and when you tried to emulate that style yourself you looked like an idiot, this post is for you.
By Ali Gordon 

Firstly, I'd like to preface this post by stating that I think fashion is awesome. I think it's a brilliant way to express yourself that is impermanent, allowing you to be and feel whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want. You look good when you spend oodles of money on it, and you can look just as good when you spend $8.95 on three vintage items from Good Will. My assumption is that most people would be surprised to know I feel this strongly about the virtues of high fashion because I wear the same four items of clothing every day and wear my sneakers until I wear holes in the bottom.

Sorry, Burberry. But this isn't gonna happen for me.

Therefore, today's post is dedicated to three fashion trends I have absolutely no idea how people pull off. Do I think they're cool? Yes. Do I wish I had the ability to try them out myself? Absolutely. Will it ever happen for me? Probably not.

This first one is especially frustrating to me, because on a daily basis I'm trying to look as much like Joni Mitchell as possible. That's why the evasive trend of headbands that aren't worn on the top of your head make me sad. 

What???

How??? _{[purchase me]}

How do these women not look like they're just wearing costumes? Why don't people stop them on the street to angrily inform them the 60's are over? WHY DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT WHEN I TRY THESE ON??? I love headbands. I wear a lot of headbands. But I've been wearing them the same way I've been wearing them since I first slapped one on in kindergarten.

Me wearing a headband like a normal person

Trend #2: People who wear lots of rings (and rings that span more than one finger)

My main question here being... how do you do anything? Do you do less typing than me? Less answering of phones? Less idle interlacing of fingers?

Hope all the words you have to type have letters close together!_{[purchase me]}

Surely you must have handmaidens to do your dirty work _{[purchase me]}

And also... how do you fit more than one ring on the same finger? Rings for above your knuckle, rings for below your knuckle, rings for ON the knuckle! Are my fingers extraordinarily short and no one has told me all this time? Did this trend expose my genetic weaknesses!?

The third and final trend I'd like to expound on is the so-called mullet skirt.

The mullet skirt is particularly divisive clothing item. People love it. People hate it. I honestly think it's really cool looking, and wanted to purchase one. That is, of course, until I tried one on. For one thing, it made me look like a little girl who had accidentally ripped up part of her skirt. But most importantly, it made me look like a person who shouldn't be wearing a mullet skirt but is desperately trying to seem cool.

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just don't have that je ne sais quoi that says "I don't care what you think of me, I'll wear what I want."

She doesn't care what ANYONE thinks, dammit!

 

This beautiful lady will wear close-toed, shiny, patent-leather, ankle-strap 4" heeled Mary Janes with her mullet skirt, AND she'll pair it with a tan bag if she so pleases! The description of this item on MGPlabel.com reads, "If you’ve ever been conflicted between a maxi and a mini, then you’ll be smitten over summer’s sexy new skirt." And maybe that, at its core, is truly my problem. Have I ever been conflicted over a maxi and a mini? Not that I can recall. I'd just put on shorts. In fact, the only maxi I own I bought in Weston, Vermont out of a "sale barn" for five dollars, so that goes to show how much I care about the length of my summer skirt.

And perhaps therein lies the ultimate irony: mullet skirts are both long and short, but strangely, they're not for the indecisive. No. You must be very decisive to wear a mullet skirt.

And that, my friends, I am not. At least not when it comes to skirt choices.

 

ALI GORDON is an actress, writer, comedian, optimist, and waffle enthusiast. Most frequently she can be heard doing funny voices. www.ali-gordon.com
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