Welcome to Schmackary's, the sweetest thing to hit Broadway since Laura Osnes' soprano belt. Don't know where to start at this infamous Hell's Kitchen bakery? We're here to help!
by Keurim Hur (playwright)
Look, I get it. It’s easy to walk into Schmackary’s and get overwhelmed by the vast array of flavors, many of which are only magicked into existence in this most wondrous of wonderlands. But buying a classic chocolate chip cookie from Schmackary’s is like getting a hand job from a hooker: awesome, but why bother? By all means, go ahead and get one. It’s delicious. But as long as you’re getting the 2 for $5 deal (and you know you are), allow me to make some suggestions:
(This is the only cookie they never had for sale when I went in pretty much every single day for three weeks straight... for the article. Of course. So thank you, Schmackary's on Pinterest, for the photo.)
5. White Chocolate Cherry Chunker: white chocolate / montmorency tart cherries / oats / cinnamon
I like this one when I’m pretending to be healthy. There’s fruit involved, and oats are something that healthy people eat, right? I’m sure all the chocolate and remaining cookie-ness of it shoot all that straight to hell, but at least I tried.
It took me a while to try this one, because I love peanut butter but hate peanuts. It’s the texture. I don’t like how nuts feel in general, and since I like my cookies best mushy, I feel nuts in a cookie are the fastest way to ruin a day this side of raisins. That is, until I tried the Peanut Butter Cup. I don’t know if it’s the combination of ingredients or the ratio or what, but it all blends into sheer gritty perfection.
When I was a small child, I would read about THE BOXCAR CHILDREN and watch STAND BY ME and desperately wish I were the kind of brave soul who went on adventures and told ghost stories by campfires. I think I first read about s’mores in a BABY-SITTERS SPECIAL ADVENTURE book about five years before I actually had one, while I was “camping” with my Girl Scouts troop in an air conditioned cement cube ten minutes from my house. Camping wasn’t what I expected, and neither was the s’more. So it was with some reservation that I got the Sch’more, which ended up tasting like all my five-year-old self’s hopes and dreams and secret aspirations of a better, grander self. The unexpected rush of emotions and nostalgia, coupled with the all-too-bitter reminder of reality crashing down all around me, leaving me dejected and cynical and wary of graham crackers for the rest of my days, was so overwhelming I almost started crying in the middle of the store. Maybe approach this one with caution.
I can’t find the ingredients online, but I can only assume it involves sunshine and the laughter of small blonde puppies. Do you remember that scene in TANGLED when Rapunzel is about to step foot outside her tower for the first time, and she’s looking down at the grass with her toes curled up and she has to sing about her mommy issues for three minutes before she finally puts her foot down, but then she’s so overcome with joy and exhilaration and wiggles her toes in the grass and skips around and splashes into a conveniently placed brook nearby while birds rush all around her signifying her freedom’s song? This cookie tastes the way that scene smells.
It’s bacon, and it’s candy. Duh.
KEURIM'S MISCELLANEOUS YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE DAY
I know I just posted Random Encounters last week, but this is necessary because 1. it's Comic-Con week and I am pressed as hell that I can't be there (NYCC, anyone?), and 2. I've been marathoning MY LITTLE PONY all week and need to pretend it was for a reason. Like research. Or something?