Kate isn't as excited about fall as the rest of the internet...
by Kate Sheridan (actor/writer/autumn grump)
Alright, y'all. I'm about to hit you with some unpopular opinion realness. I love Emma. I love Ali (welcome back, sunshine!). Michael, too. I loved their articles this week. I do, even, love a good pumpkin spice latte when these chillier months roll around, and I have nothing against Bon Iver or a cozy sweater.
But I fucking HATE the fall.
Every year, when the internet goes into it's annual uproar of near pornographic autumn-loving, I find myself more and more curmudgeonly at the thought of turning leaves, chunky scarves, pumpkin flavored everything and the millions of people with the audacity to be EXCITED about it all. How dare you celebrate the death of my beloved summer? How can you thrill for the impending slushy gray bleakness of winter? And being completely alone in this hatred only makes it more virulent. Even typing this I progress into more and more Scrooge-like rage, soon to be haunted by ghosts of riding-boot-and-oversized-sweater wearing, PSL-sipping white girls telling me how excited they are to go apple picking & go on hayrides with boys in plaid. And I say to you now, Crazytowners, LET THEM COME. POINT YOUR PITCHFORKS AT THE FALL-HATING OGRE. THIS IS MY FALL-HATING SWAMP, LET ME DIE IN IT.
A few nuggets of rationality about this, before you write me off as insane: there are certain things I can absolutely appreciate about fall. Being only a year and a half out of college, I definitely still associate it with a certain freshness & opportunity. And pumpkin is a delicious flavor! I would eat pumpkin bread and drink pumpkin coffees pretty much any time of year, even if I do personally prefer Salted Caramel Mocha when it comes to my fall Starbucks order (which, to be honest, is NOTHING compared to winter's White Peppermint Mocha). But in a myriad of ways, both personal and universal, fall sucks. Here's why:
- Because summer is so awesome. If summer is a warm, leisurely Saturday and a night of drinks & fun with your favorite people, then winter is the gray, chilly Monday where you wake up late, hit traffic & spill coffee all over your boss. And that makes fall the grumpy, hungover Sunday where you marinate in headache-y regret & have to do all your homework. Sometimes, the anticipation of a terrible day is worse than the day itself - and that's how I feel, all fall. The second it gets cold I feel my bones quiver in fear at the thought of another New England winter... driving in the snow... shoveling... ice... inevitably tripping and falling and hurting/embarrassing myself in all of the above weather conditions... no. Cold weather cuddling & cute plaids are NOT a fair tradeoff when we're giving up long sunny days, warm breezes and the glory that is authentic beach hair.
- Because I am fat. If I were thin and rich and stylish, I would probably enjoy fall fashion. But my calves do not fit into your adorable riding boots. Layers upon layers of thick mixed fabrics do not flatter the less than svelte frame. If I wear a chunky oversized sweater I look like an old homeless man, and not in the cool high fashion way that waif-y girls can pull off. It's not that I'm actually any more stylish or attractive in the summer (though, like everyone else in the world, I look about 95% better with a tan) but ANYONE can pull off a breezy sundress.
- Because it makes me fatter. With the cold weather, my hibernation instincts kick in, hard. While summer cravings include light, fresh salads & fruit & sno-cones, fall beckons carbs. Heavy, warm, cheesy, pumpkiny carbs. Breads, soups, stews, mac & cheese, and every kind of baked good you can shove an apple into- delicious, yes, but also food coma-inducing. It's hard enough for me to come home after a 14-hr day and a begrudging workout & want to make myself a salad, when it's cold out? Nah, I'm digging into comfort food.
- Because seasonal depression is so real, you guys. How are we expected to feel okay about the world when it's pitch black outside at 5pm? How is anyone supposed to get up in the morning ready to seize the day when it's gray and blustery and FUCKING FREEZING? Granted, this is most terrible in the winter - but as I said before, feeling myself heading down the slippery slope is almost worse than hitting the bottom. My pale, pudgy, chilly butt is staying in bed.
- Because I don't give a shit about the leaves. This one is the most personal/least justified of my reasons, but I just really don't care about most fall things. I only like green apples, so I'm not huge into picking or baking or eating tons of them. I'm not a huge nature person, so I don't really care about leaves or hayrides. I don't have a cute besweatered boy to cuddle in the crisp autumn air. Football is fine. Halloween is fun. Pumpkin is tasty, but not like, THE BEST FLAVOR EVERRRRR. As far as I'm concerned, they just all pale in comparison to the things there are to love about summer & spring- and winter, while still the obvious worst season, at least has Christmas.
Sorry friends - I just can't get on board. I don't expect to change anyone's mind about fall, as I am clearly the minority here, but hopefully you can at least understand where I'm coming from when I decline your invitations to put on my riding boots & plaid and come outside to carve pumpkins & bake apple pie. (Well... let's be real... I'll still probably come, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.)
is an actor, writer, singer, and mediocre ukulele player from MA. In addition to hating fall, her other unpopular opinions include legitimately enjoying pink wine and thinking quinoa looks like a skin disease. Twitter: @ahhkatesheridan.
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