Crazytown

GET YOUR ASS TO HONG KONG

My ass was dragged to Hong Kong for work five years ago and I've been addicted ever since. I strongly suggest you drag your ass there at the first opportunity. Here are just a few of the great things to do, see and buy in this insane metropolis. 
BY BERNADETTE PAULEY (COMEDIAN) 

My good friend and fellow comedian Du Kirpalani grew up in Hong Kong so I enlisted his help creating a 'must do' list for Hong Kong. We lost count after 7,248 'must do's', so we figured we'd just start with a few:

If I had only one sentence to describe Hong Kong it would be "Like New York on steroids." 

The Peninsula Hotel - A Luxury hotel where you'll see ladies having high tea and finger sandwiches. You'd swear you were in The Pierre, NYC or London. The fashion is fierce & these woman definitely give Madison Avenue ladies a run for the money. 

You've got to stroll this swanky hotel during high tea (then go buy yourself a nice tea and a meal at local joint for $1.98) 

Then, you can walk right over to the polar opposite: 

OFF THE BEATEN PATH EATS IN NYC

I've gathered a few of the best Off-The-Beaten-Track places in NYC for my fellow foodies. Whether you're a New Yorker who needs to expand your routine or a tourist who'd like to hit something besides Olive Garden (gag) and Fridays in Times Square (double gag) I gurantee these gems won't disappoint! 
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian)  

NEW LEAF CAFE in Inwood (The northernmost part of Manhattan, even though many folks think it's The Bronx.) Known for a spectacular brunch, this restaurant is located smack in the middle of Fort Tryon Park. As a New Yorker, you've got to get to Fort Tryon at LEAST once and make a day of it, taking in the breathtaking views of the George Washington Bridge and flower gardens.

At Zagat's pick New Leaf Cafe you can treat yourself to an extra mimosa, Duvel beer or french press coffee GUILT FREE! All proceeds go to maintaing Fort Tryon Park!

COMEDIAN TOM COTTER FROM 'AMERICA'S GOT TALENT' - THE INTERVIEW

My friend and first runner up from 'America's Got Talent' took time out to fill me in on the show, talk about how the exposure has changed his life and share some war stories from the long bumpy road of standup comedy...
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian)

 

Tom Cotter and Joan Rivers roast the AGT judges at the finale. CLICK HERE To watch the clip and see how The Big Boys do it.

Tom, Thanks for taking the time to do my Crazytown interview. 
Honored. You're confusing me with someone who has something else to do. It's Sunday morning, what else am I gonna be doing?

That's true. What time were you shows last night?
We do one show at 7:30pm six nights a week. 

Your shows are at The Palazzo in Vegas, same company as The Venetian, does this mean that Al (My Man) and I can just drop in, casually mention your name and drink for free? 
That will not get you a beverage, that will get you escorted off of the property.  

Who are you performing with? 
It's The America's Got Talent Live Show with The Olate Dogs, Joe Castillo (sand artist), William Close (earth harpist), Light Wire Theater and Spencer Horsman (escape artist). 

How has your life changed personally and/or professionally since all of the AGT exposure and coming in second?
First of all, the negative is I'm in Vegas doing a show and I'm away from my wife and kids, but that's what I signed on to do. The positive is, that, yeah, your corporate price goes up, your college price goes up and your club price goes up. This is my little 15 minutes, it may only be 5 minutes, but I'm trying to capitalize on it and it's hard to capitalize on it when you're busy doing 6 shows a week. 

What was the hardest part about participating in a talent contest like AGT?
Well, you're comparing apples and oranges. Who's to say that a sand artist is any better than light wire theater? Who's to say that the earth harpist is any more entertaining than Olate Dogs? Or vice versa. In a comedy competition, even that, I think, is skewed, cause there are different kinds of comedy. This isn't just comedy, this is so many different, eclectic talents thrown into a mixing bowl and you have to pick out the one you think is the best. I got very lucky this year, btw, I'm ADD, I'll go off on some things here and you can just wrangle me back. This is the first year that 2 comics made it to the semi finals. Me and Jacob Williams, the other comic out of Chicago, we both got lucky because we did the show this year. This year was much better for comedians because Pierce (Morgan) wasn't on. Pierce hated comics but this year he was replaced by Howard Stern who is very much a fan of comedians. So, instead of having just one ally on the judges panel, which was Howie Mandel, we now had two. We got very lucky in that this was the first year we auditioned, the first year we got on the show and this year it was much more friendly to comics. Getting back to your question, it's very difficult being in a competition with such eclectic acts. What's your cup of tea? Maybe William is your cup of tea or maybe comedy makes you hate tea. 

DESPERATELY SEEKING A GOOD HOME OR FOSTER

Attention residents of Malibu, Beverly Hills and Brentwood, please pass this along to all of your friends and neighbors (and Lisa Vanderpump of RHBH).  
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian) 

We are desperately seeking a stable home for this family of 3. They were found living unsupervised together in LA. They look rough around the edges but they are extremely loving, loyal and they get along great with pets and other animals. *They have issues with some humans.*  We are trying to find them a responsible foster or forever home together as they are extremely codependent. 

Without your help, these 3 may not make it through winter....

• The male is very animated, has the maturity of a 12 year old and no skills.  
• The female has emotional issues, severe ADD and also has no skills.
• The Dog has a sensitive stomach, sensitive eyes and some sort of ass ache on a regular basis, so you can expect biweekly trips to the vet. 

**Because of their medical conditions they would be best placed in a non-sober home with an indoor/outdoor kitchen, indoor/outdoor living room and swimming pool.  

With some patience and training this little family will fill your home with unconditional love!!!

(They'd totally have your back in a bar fight)

PLEASE PASS THIS ALONG TO ANYONE READY TO GIVE THEM A STABLE HOME!!!

BERNADETTE PAULEY is a standup comedian, actor & TV host. Check her site for upcoming east coast tour dates! www.BernadettePauley.com
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I DON'T WANT TO READ YOUR ASS

There is an ass branding epidemic in this country and I've decided to do something about it. 
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian)  

Today I cannot  be your court jester. I cannot make little jokey jokes when there are serious problems in the world, the country and our own families. I'd like to address one such problem affecting our teenage girls and I am outraged that our government isn't doing something about it. 

Is it teenage pregnancy? No, that's no biggie. Everybody knows that the best time to knock a young lady up is before she hits age 20 because that's when she starts to lose her looks. 

  This is true, Hollywood told me so. 

Is it the eating disorder epidemic? Record cases of bulimia, anorexia and the abuse of diet pills in the U.S?  Nah, don't be stupid. Everybody knows that a girl's just not cute if you can't see the outline of her spleen poking through her skin when she wears hiphuggers. 

Is it the multi-billion dollar sex trafficking industy here in the states? Not at all. Hey, it's better to earn your food on your back than be one of the shiftless 47% just looking for a handout. 

No, ladies and gentleman, I'm addressing a real problem in this country: Teenage girls who want me to read their ass: 

Chinese toddlers are hard at work in factories creating sweatpants so our college kids can do...this.

Don't hide your head in the sand and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You've seen it. As you're reading this there are literally thousands of American girls parading around with "PINK", "JUICY" and "CUTIE" scrawled across their asses. They're branded like cows. Adding insult to injury, they aren't even being paid for the advertising space.

Attention Young Ladies: I don't want to read your ass. I didn't go to college so I could read your ass. 

CRAZIES 101

 I've decided to share some of my insights and tips on crazy people and how to deal with them. If you are offended by the term 'crazy', you're crazy. Everybody else, I hope these tips save you time, energy and mental health when dealing with Crazies...
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian)

This week's post is another short but hopefully sweet list of helpful hints. In the past I've shared some insights on being the perfect wife and traveling on a proletariat's income. This week I'm sharing a few tips on something I'm extremely well versed in: crazy people. I'm an expert on the crazies for a few reasons: 

1. I live in Los Angeles which is the epicenter of crazy. Yes, New York, you've got your crazies, Boston, Hong Kong, Kansas and Paris you all have your crazies. But I must insist that the degree of crazy here in LA is just untouchable. Pound for pound our homeless crazies, our cop crazies, our histrionic personality disorder crazies, our I-will-sell-my-children-for-more-plastic-surgery crazies just can't be beat. Please don't be offended by this, it's not that other areas are inferior. It's because crazies from all over the world come here to cultivate their crazy, to perfect it. 
   
   
   

   If you want to grow your crazy, this is THE town to do it in. Hollywood is pretty much the fertile crescent of crazy.
2. I'm in entertainment. I am a standup comedian and I sometimes luck out with TV acting and hosting gigs. To the layman this is "exciting" or "brave," but to anyone who is actually in this business or worked around it they know that it's just plain old "crazy." It's not normal and nobody in it is normal. Normal people do not choose a life of perpetual rejection and unemployment. Normal people do not choose to represent these abnormal people as their agents, producers or publicists either. 
3. I'm from a long line of crazies that have passed the crazy gene down from one generation to the next. I am a mixed breed of Scottish and Irish simmered together in Boston and let's just say we have electro shock therapy for breakfast. 
4. I, myself, am crazy, or as My Dad would say, "soft as shit."   

Have you ever caught yourself acting like such a crazy bitch you check your stomach to see if the words "help me" are scrawled across it?

But I like to consider myself 'one of the good ones.' I don't bother other people with my crazy, I just torture myself and make nicey nice with the rest of the world. It just seems the polite thing to do. Nothing drives us good crazies crazier than all of the bad crazies out there who give us a bad rap! 

So, I hope these few nuggets below come in handy the next time you find yourself dealing with one of the bad crazies:
 

• One huge mistake many people make is to try to talk rationally to the crazy person, to deal with their issues, to 'not enable them'. NO I say, this is a huge waste of time. I avoid confrontation at all costs. It's best to just humor them completely then walk away and silently hope they die. 
• When dealing with a self absorbed, narcissistic female who will only hold you captive to talk about herself and try to belittle you in the process, I find the fastest escape route is through my Compliment and Lie Technique. This is a wonderful technique but it must be administered quickly, like a one-two jab in boxing. For example, "OMG Tracy, you look AMAZING. Seriously, what is it you do to look so good and stay so thin --- Oh, I have to grab this call from my mom, she's in jail in Bangkok." Sure, the idea that your mother is in jail in Bangkok is completely ridiculous, but Ms. Narcissistic Personality Disorder will not be able to focus on the ridiculousness of that comment, instead she will be enjoying the admiration from you, her underling and will choose to believe that your mother is in jail in Bangkok over the possibility that there is a human being on earth who wouldn't want to listen to her drone on and on about herself endlessly. *Once again, this technique must be administered quickly or you could get stuck in a one hour, one way conversation about just how amazing and fabulous Ms NPD really is. You must compliment the crazy the moment you spot them and KEEP MOVING.
• When you simply can't get out of spending some time with that crazy friend who is a liability (and you've been meaning to cut out of your life for the past eight years but can't because you have your own damn mental problems) it's best to invite along another crazy ass person. There's a good chance they will cancel each other out. However, there's also a chance that there could be an eruption as crazymakers oftentimes don't like other crazymakers. They prefer to be the loan crazyass, the sun to a universe of not so crazy people rotating around their every whim and tantrum. (Once their hatred of each other is determined it can be quite helpful avoiding them in the future. You can simply tell crazymaker #1 that you already have plans with crazymaker #2 and vice versa. Avoiding the other crazymaker, they will not invite themselves along and instead choose to go glob onto some other poor slob). 
• Last but not least: The Scientology Technique. If that annoying co-worker, boss, toxic friend or neighbor simply refuses to respect your boundries, pull a copy of L Ron Hubbard's Dianetcis out of your bag or pocket, touch them lightly on the arm, look them directly in the eye and tell them that there is something really important and life changing that you've been wanting to talk to them about. 

Sometimes you've just gotta outcrazy the crazies...

Good luck! 

BERNADETTE PAULEY Is a comedian, actor and TV host who, surprisingly, was not nominated for an EMMY this year. Check her site for tour dates! www.BernadettePauley.com
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WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED - A HANDY GUIDE BOOK

 It seems like everyone wants to give advice on how to GET a man and how to celebrate getting him with an elaborate wedding but nobody wants to tell you what to DO with him once you have him. I decided to remedy this situation and share my insights in my upcoming Guide Book For The Modern Bride, 'What to Expect When You're Married.'
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian) 

Author Bernadette Pauley is known for her understated elegance

My friends who have had babies told me that the pregnancy guide 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' was an invaluable resource they used to get ready for all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful aspects of pregnancy, birth and babies. Being a Chihuahua  Mama, I haven't had need for a pregnancy guide but it occurred to me the other day that I would have greatly appreciated a marriage guide. Of course there are millions of books about throwing a $100,000 wedding, getting yourself a spectacular designer wedding dress and acting all Kardashian for a day. 

We all know how great Kim Kardashian's marriage turned out. 

But once the shindig is over, that's it. You're on your own. Nobody wants to tell you the not-so-pretty details about living day to day with this other human being. There's no glamor in it. Just the sound of the words 'wedding' and 'marriage' indicates things will go downhill. Say them out loud.  'Wedding' is upbeat, it's sparkly like champagne, it ends on a high note. But 'marriage', well that sounds depressing, doesn't it? 'Marriage', there's a little bit of an upswing there, but by the time you're done with the word the tone has fallen right back down. 

Marriage rhymes with disparage. It's just no fun. Nobody gets excited about a big coffee table book about marriage. Wedding planner Colin Cowie, as talented as he is, isn't going to touch that shit with a ten foot pole. It's just not pretty.

OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES, EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE. OR DO THEY?

We're living in an age of PR where opportunists parade as pundits and fame whores are the new "experts." As the media bombards us with these so-called experts I look around and wonder 'Where is the sincerity?'  
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian)

sin-cer-i-ty (sin-ser-i-tee) noun, freedom from deceit, hypocrisy or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.  Synonyms: truth, candor, frankness. See honor. Antonyms: duplicity.

You know who I like? Ron Paul. Love the guy. Don't misunderstand me, I think his economic and political philosophies are Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs. Call it what you want: 'Laissez-faire', 'economic liberalism' (that one is purposefully confusing), 'trickle-down', 'freemarkets' or 'deregulated', it all falls under the Chicago School of Economics batshit crazy ball of wax. 

 

I love this crazy bastard

I doubt I could agree with any of his policies but I just love his sincerity. When Romney, Palin, Bachman or other members of that brat pack talk about deregulation and tax breaks you can see their puppet strings running up to the corporate untouchables they are protecting. They will do and say whatever it takes to keep themselves in the game. It shows in their well groomed, dead eyes. 

DEAR TABATHA COFFEY, THIS IS A PLEA FOR HELP

My business lacks structure, direction and discipline so I'm imploring Tabatha Coffey to take over.
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian) 

Dear Ms. Coffey I am a huge fan of both you and your show. I was elated when 'Tabatha's Salon Takeover' morphed into 'Tabatha Takes Over' and you expanded, salvaging businesses other than salons with your amazing management and business skills. 

 

I adore this woman and am slightly afraid of her. I feel the same way about Suze Orman.

I am writing in hopes that you can salvage my business. I am a self employed comedian married to another comedian.

This means we get up at noon, have a snack and take a nap.

We share a home office and our manager is a 10 pound chihuahua mix. I'm afraid the company lacks direction, structure or discipline of any kind. Our manager currently has us on a '5 leisurely walks a day' regimen and after reviewing our monthly dog toy / treat invoices I'm starting to suspect he is seriously abusing his power. 

TWO THUMBS DOWN FOR NBC'S NEW REALITY/COMPETITION SHOW 'THE OLYMPICS'

Reality TV has evolved but 'The Olympics' has not kept up: The show lacks backstabbing, table tossing and drunk girls kissing. I fail to see the point. 
By Bernadette Pauley (Comedian) 

I'm sorry but I just can't get behind the new NBC reality competition show 'The Olympics'. Everyone raves about it but I don't get the hype. Night after night I watched (well I tried to watch, I couldn't go for more than 20 minutes w/out changing the channel to The Real Housewives or Big Brother to wake myself back up). First off, it's not even in The USA. The whole thing took place in London. WTF? If the show is so great then why isn't it in America? They have socialized medicine over there. 

Think about it, we risked our athletes getting injured in some foreign country and having to go to pinko doctors. Horrifying.

The show was based entirely around the physical competitions. We didn't see any behind the scenes drama, I was left having no idea who had formed allegiances, who was sleeping with each other and there wasn't a single cat fight in the entire season. Come on, NBC, reality TV has evolved. If you want to keep your viewers you've got to keep up with the times. 

Even the female boxers didn't have the decency to carry the fight out to a back ally or have a barroom brawl under the influence of long island iced teas. Claressa Shields (American) is being touted as the gold medal "winner" in boxing over Russian (pinko) Nadezda Torlopova. NBC commentators reported "Shields even stuck her tongue out at Torlopova after ducking a few punches in the final round." You call that winning? You want to really win that match Claressa? Sleep with Torlopova's husband, now THAT'S a win. A win that would make me tune in for more. 

This whole 'meritocracy' thing is a snooze fest. 

So she beat Torlopova in a boxing match. Big deal, call me when she steals Torlopova's BFF and throws a glass of wine in her face.