Crazytown

IN SEARCH OF THE CHEESEMONGER, PART TWO

This week, we continue the pursuit of the world's finest fromager.
By Douglas Byrne (Cheese Enthusiast) 

The big day.

I wake up early. (8:15 is early for actors.) I go for a walk. I come back to my room. I take a shower. I patiently wait until 9:30 since I know I won't be able to meet Scottie until 10:00 at the earliest.  I call the market.

"Fairway Market. This is Angela. How may I help you?"

"Hey Angela, is Steve Jenkins working today? I believe he'd be in the cheese department."

"You want the cheese department?"

"However you feel is best to check." [I'm too nervous to realize that this statement is probably annoying.]

[Pause.]

[Male voice answers.]

"Hello?"

At this point, I am a wreck. Totally off guard. Supremely unprepared. Completely taken by surprise. 

"Hello, um, is this Mr. Steve Jenkins?"

"This is he." 

[I shivers with joy at his usage of correct grammar.]

"Hello, Mr. Jenkins. My name is Doug, and I was wondering if you will be working for the next couple of hours because I am a big fan of yours and would love to come to the store and get your autograph." [Breathe.] 

"Yeah, I'll be here. Come on over. Just have the floor manager call me, and I'll come down."

Down? Down from where? The creamy gates of Cheese Heaven? The milky halls of the Lovely Land of Lactose? The velvety mountains of Munster and Manchego? 

I immediately go into the execution phase of this plan. I meet Scottie for breakfast, and told him of my cheese-loving plans.  And this is where I found my accomplice.  I'm sure he is bursting at the seams to schlep uptown to get the autograph of my Roquefort Rockstar.  After breakfast, we hop on a 1 subway car until we arrive at our destiny, I mean, destination.

 

IN SEARCH OF THE CHEESEMONGER, PART ONE

By Douglas Byrne (Cheese Enthusiast)

Anyone who knows me even slightly knows that I love cheese.  I have a love affair with the creamy, salty, yummy, stinky, dreamy stuff. It is inspired by this passionate obsession that I found myself stalking the cheesemonger.

While enjoying the weekend visiting loved ones, we all were entertained by a rousing showing of Modern Marvels on the History Channel. This particular Modern Marvel segment was dedicated to -- you guessed it -- cheese! In addition to educating us on cheese history and manufacturing, the segment was peppered with knowledgeable commentary by some of the nation's top cheesemongers, from New York to L.A. It was here that I was first "introduced" to Mr. Steve Jenkins.  

Mr. Jenkins is a world renowned cheesemonger and has been awarded, among other high cheese honors, membership into France's 800 year-old Guilde de St. Uguzon (yes, they actually have a cheese award that is essentially four times older than our country itself), and he's been inducted into the honorary Chevalier du Taste-Fromage. (This is significant because the French love cheese almost as much as I do.) He has written books on the food industry and one honoring the creamy wonder itself, entitled Cheese Primer. I guess you could call him, well, "The Big Cheese." (Yes, boys and girls, I went there). He also happens to work in New York.     

Coincidentally, I was in NYC for a few days and decided that I must find Mr. Jenkins and secure his autograph on a copy of his book. But how would I ever find The Big Cheese in The Big Apple?

THE QUEENS' ART

“Art is an evolutionary act. The shape of art and its role in society is constantly changing. At no point is art static. There are no rules.”  - Raymond Salvatore Harmon
By Douglas Byrne (Occasional Graffiti Admirer)

I had the pleasure of meeting a graffiti artist this past week while in New York.

He led Scottie and me to 5pointz...an old, old warehouse building in Long Island City, across the East River from Manhattan. (It's directly across from PS1, a MoMA museum.)  The building's owner has generously allowed graffiti artists to use his building as a canvas.

Their website describes it as: “. . . an outdoor art exhibit space in Long Island City, New York, considered to be the world’s premiere “graffiti Mecca,” where aerosol artists from around the globe paint colorful pieces on the walls of a 200,000-square-foot factory building.” It’s truly amazing, and well worth a visit.

I've posted some of the many photos I took.

This shows a bit of the enormous wall art.

 

TURN, BABY, TURN

Get into the groove...
By Douglas Byrne (Record Player) 

"I don't know what 33⅓ means.  It just means out of sync to me." - Judy Garland

Hiss.  Snap.  Crackle.  Pop.

These are the sounds of my childhood.

My first "record" wasn't vinyl at all.  It was an Archies record that I had punched out of the back of a cereal box.  No one would let me play it on their stereo...no one would dare let their precious needle touch a piece of cardboard pretending to be a record.  (I suspect now that it wasn't so much the cardboard as it was the Archies themselves.)  I ended up listening to it on a Fisher-Price record player.

I was given real records after that, but my real love affair with vinyl didn't begin until I was fifteen, when my friend Pher introduced me to The Who's Tommy.  I remember pulling the record out of its sleeve as he showed me how to properly handle an album.  He placed my hands around the edge of the record, explaining about fingerprints and dust and grooves.  He showed me how to drop the record on the turntable.  

Up until then, I had only used the Fisher-Price system from my childhood and have to admit that I was a bit haphazzard about how I handled my albums.  Pher was almost reverent about it, holding the edges with his palm, placing the album gently on the turntable, dropping the needle on the groove by hand because he didn’t trust the automatic arm to do it right.

He turned the volume up. The unmistakable crackle and hiss of needle upon vinyl filled the room.

My love for vinyl was born at that moment.

THE BIG GAY RACE

You probably shouldn't run unless Michele Bachmann is chasing you... 
By Douglas Byrne (Occasional Activist) 

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again." - Erma Bombeck

I am a firm believer that one shouldn't run unless something or someone is chasing him.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I found myself registering to participate in a 5k this past weekend.  A momentary lapse in sanity, I guess... but it was in support of a cause I truly believe in, and all enthusiasm and proceeds went to benefit Minnesotans United for All Families.  The goal, simply, is to get registered voters to vote no in November when it comes to the proposed Minnesota Same-Sex Marriage Amendment, which would define marriage in our state's constitution as being between one man and one woman.

So... I decided to run.  In The Big Gay Race.

The night before the Race, however, I began to have second thoughts.  I mean, what was I thinking?!?!  I hadn't run (aside from trying to chase down a wayward bus) since I was in high school.  Much like Sweet Brown, I only run for my life.  Did I really have it in me to run?  I hoped so, and turned to my friend Liz for support:

Me: I'm an idiot.  I agreed to do a 5k tomorrow in support of your right to marry a girl.

Liz: Big gay run?  I hope there's a bear chasing you... and not the gay kind.

Me: Nice.  I'm more of a Cubs fan anyway... and I'm not talking sports.

Anyway, the next morning I woke up at the crack of dawn, threw on my rainbow-colored towel pants and size-seven sneakers and made my way to race.  I got there just in time to hear Senator Amy Klobuchar give a speech.  She's such a passionate speaker, and it's always nice to have a politician in your corner.

RESTLESS

Without change, we stagnate... or become very boring.
By Douglas Byrne (Forever Twenty-Nine)

"This city lacks the danger I'm looking for..." - from Make Me Bad, written by Drew Gasparini

Aging has changed me.

Not that I think I'm ancient or anything... but let's face facts, I can't (believably) stay twenty-nine forever.  I just feel that when I was younger, I was less concerned about consequences.  Now I constantly think about them.

I am really feeling the need to move to New York, and have been for quite some time.  Ten years ago, I would have just done it.  Now I worry about money, a job, logistics... Ten years ago, I would have figured it out and would have moved on with the rest of my day.

USED BOOK CLUB

On the brink of summer's end, it's time to start your summer reading...
By Douglas Byrne (Voracious Reader)

"...and I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries." - Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

After months of technical difficulty with my Nook, I finally took it in and had it replaced and was able to sit down and enjoy a few novels this past weekend.  For a long time, I wanted to read (or re-read) several books whose film adaptations I adore... and that's what I set out to accomplish.

When I was thirteen, on summer break, thinking that I would die of boredom, I picked King Rat by James Clavell off the shelf.  It saved me. 

I was a bit afraid of the next book I chose, as the film adaptation has been a favorite of mine for the past twenty years, The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy.  Such a dysfunctional family.  Great to compare to your own.

 

Last up, I read The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje.  I've been told for quite some time that I should see the film... and when I finally did, I'd been meaning to pick up the book ever since.  I'm glad I finally did.  Such a stunning world of driving narrative and poetry and imagery.

Although Ouiser was correct with what she said about great books, forget about the DVDs... read them!

Douglas Byrne is reading.
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UNWINED

How does the wine taste?
By Douglas Byrne (Wino)

"I am not drinking any fucking Merlot!" - Miles, Sideways

I love wine.

I am pretty sure that, at some point in the future, I am quite likely going to be the guy at the A.A. meeting who stands up and says, “My name is Douglas and I’m an alcoholic. But I’m just not going to be able to give up wine. Sorry.”

Now, as a wine lover, I often go to vineyards and participate in wine tastings.  But I've always felt out of place.

A couple of years back, my dear friend Pher, who knew that I enjoyed wine but that I also wanted to fit in with the snooty wine community, had signed us up for a wine appreciation/understanding class that was based on the wine reviews of Jancis Robinson and Robert Parker.  They had written their reviews describing the taste of wine as: flower, ginger, rock, dirt... and the point of the class was go taste these things in comparison to the wine they described, showcasing the nuances found in specific wines.

WE GOT A BINGO!

Being lost amidst a hoard of people can be a scary thing.  That shouldn't stop you from having a good time.
By Douglas Byrne (Occasional Fair-Goer)

One of the really great things about going to the a Great Minnesota Eat Together (known by many as the Minnesota State Fair) is the opportunity to watch people.

It's not that people are so damn fascinating.  It's that you can look at somebody else and be thankful that you are not him.  So many people covet what others have; they are envious of a person's house or the neighborhood where somebody else lives, they wish they had that woman's hair or that man's car or that guy's complexion.

Go to the State Fair, however, and you'll feel inherently much better about yourself by comparison.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

People are stupid.  It's not us, it's others... and thanks to the internet, we know who they are.
By Douglas Byrne (Occasional Actor)

Whoever said that there was no such thing as a stupid question never saw Yahoo! Answers (nor did he work at an HMO... but that's a different story).

For those unfamiliar, Yahoo! Answers is like the Wikipedia of advice.  People (about forty percent of whom can spell) write questions and rely on the masses to get their answers.

Yesterday, against my better judgement, I fell down the rabbit hole of Yahoo! Answers and found myself in a Wonderland.  While in my rabbit hole, I found so many stupid questions (and answers) that I couldn't stop laughing.  My face is still sore.

In no particular order, here are some of my favorites, with all of their spelling, grammar and punctuation errors intact. 

You know, as dumb as that is... yeah, for about two seconds I thought about what would happen if I scanned a mirror.

 

This question was asked two years ago.  I've looked around now and can't even seem to find yogurt that expires next month, let alone five months from now.

 

Perfect.  This question was answered:

 

Violet Beauregarde has got to find a new hobby!

 

I'm not a math whiz, but perhaps his hips make up the 10% that is unsure.  Either way, Shakira said it best: hips don't lie.

Douglas Byrne is less inquisitive.
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