Crazytown

RUBBING OUT A GOOD CRY

As a kid my favorite song on 'Free to Be You and Me' was "It's Alright to Cry" - I still have it record. It's a great song. But I know, as an adult, that it's not really alright to cry. Crying is for children, people who like soap operas and those who haven't found proper medication yet, right?! Right! Well excuse me while I wipe some snot on my sleeve as I continue heaving. 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

I used to be a crier; overrun with emotional abandon it would come out of my eyes and usually all over the place. A drive by crier, at any moment I might whip around the corner shooting raw emotion at poor random souls in my side view. Then somewhere along the line, I stopped. Sometimes I would know that there was a cry in there that should probably come out so it wouldn't randomly overtake me on the train because some woman with a beehive and a lovely neck scarf happened to remind me of my nana. In such cases I would put on an underdog movie and get it all out at home, alone, in the dark and ashamed. I assume it's quite similar to a habit I hear boys all across America are acting out pre-date so they don't get excited and blow a load in their pants before dinner is even ordered. Rub one out beforehand, pre-game styles.

                  Rub out those salty tears in the privacy of your own shame!

I guess I was embarrassed of how easily accessible my emotions were, as if it was a form of weakness. But the fact remains that I am a hugely sensitive person. At my last job, I, on more than one occasion (twice to be exact) called in late to work because I found a bird somehow broken on the side of the street and it ripped me in two to leave him/her there. I was just going to have to sit with them until some other bird came by for help or I gathered said bird into a box and brought them home giving them ample time to get better, safe from children with mean rocks. The second time I called in I could hear my boss sigh, as if to say, there goes Leah with the over active emotional ties and empathy issues again. 

YOU WANT SOME P%$&Y - CLEAN THE BATHROOM

Before I moved in with my Balls&Chain I heard a rumor going around that women trade sex for vacuuming. Apparently women have been plying their p&%$y like trades at a market in exchange for goods rendered in homes all across America. I thought 'What is this madness?! That can't be!' Then we moved in together and I noticed, however offensive to my morals, that when the dishes are done I am more apt to drop my panties. I submit however, that just because the sum is the same, the equation, I postulate, is quite different.  
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

I don't like the idea that women are less horny than men, that women use sex in exchange for things, gifts, rent, clean dishes, etc. I am sure this happens with both genders, but not with me, I told myself. But I have to look at the facts. And in doing so I have to notice that if my BallsAndChain perhaps, for example, did the laundry that day, I do seem to be more randy than on a regular unlaundered Wednesday afternoon. 

                          Am I turning tricks in exchange for dusting the blinds?!

GISELE: A RIDE OR DIE KIND OF BIATCH

In general I dislike super models as much as the next girl who also has a slow metabolism and had to actually work on their personality or acquire skills like math to get through life. That being said in the recent outcry of anger against Gisele I find myself becoming a fan as everyone needs a friend who always has your back.
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

The news has been bombarding us with updates about Gisele Bundchen's comments after the Patriots loss to the Giants on Sunday. Let me state upfront that I am not a Pats fan and have an odd disdain for Brady; SO I'm not just going to feel compassion for them because of some misplaced New England pride.

People are coming at Gisele left, right and center in response to her now infamous comment "My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time!" They are taking it as a direct stab at certain Pats players, but I see it differently. Her role is not team player, her role is Brady's corner man. I find it romantic. Is it so wrong to try to protect the person you love and make them feel better?!

                                    I'll always catch your balls baby

TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK UNTIL IT BRUISES

My parents were big pushers of the "Do the right thing" "If someone asks for your coat give them your shirt too" and "Take the high road" propaganda. There was no limit to how shitty someone could be and my mom would still tell me to "Be the change you want to see in the world;" she was assuming the change I wanted to see was not hiring some wranglers to beat the shit out of my offenders.Turning the other cheek often amounts to a lot of bruising but I still think it's the right thing to do. Not because being "good" is necessarily "right" but because being good really annoys the other person. 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

I have written a few pieces for a series of posts titled "Affirmations for the Dark Soul" - they are for people who are allergic to positivity, are wary of happy thoughts and have a general distrust of bettering their life and thinking about good energy. 

        A valuable lesson from the Cobra Kai: No Mercy doesn't bring home the trophy

I used to always want to do the right thing because I was afraid of not being good in the existential sense. I was so pent up and frustrated feeling like I always tried to work hard, be nice to people who lashed out at me and was never thanked or even acknowledged for the large amount of metaphorical doors I have held open for others. 

YOU REMIND ME OF THE BABE

Outside of Chewbacca (I love a man who is forever loyal and wears a sashay of bullets that he never uses but has just in case, sort of a non-violence violence), David Bowie was my first crush. I don't remember hold old I was when I watched the Labyrinth, it was definitely a few plus years after it come out, but whenever it was I remember thinking, and thinking hard, something wonderful is behind those Lycra pants. 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic)

Chewbacca. Some girls liked KNOTB, I was in love with a wookie. But it was like a best friend love. 

           The striped pants and witty repartee were enticing, but look at those Wookie lips!

But then came David Bowie "How you turned my world you precious thing" in Labyrinth. I could not for the life of me figure out why Jennifer Connelly wanted to go back to the real world for a seemingly unappreciative child instead of hanging with codpiece of my dreams. The first time I watched that movie I felt like I wanted to pee, or at least that was the only way I could understand the warm feeling in my pants. 

                              What Sarah really wanted in her music box

INVINCIBLE SUMMER

"Amazing how your whole life can change in an instant." That is the last line of an email I sent out 4 years ago this week asking for prayers and positive thoughts for my mother who had just been in a near fatal car accident. Four years later this is what I have learned. 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

This week marks the four year anniversary of my mother's car accident. She was visiting family near Philly when the car she was riding in was t-boned. She was not expected to make it.  Upon receiving the phone call letting me know what was happening I walked directly to a car rental place, drove to a hospital in PA where I proceeded to pace, sleep, eat and live in an ICU unit for the next five weeks hearing day in and day out that I should be prepared to let my mother go. 

                                               Ask, Seek, Knock 

There is much to say about the 5 weeks that my mom was in a coma, the following months that we moved from hospitals to rehabs to hospitals, what a family goes through when dealing with brain injuries, what it felt like the first time she walked down the stairs, I could go on and on. My entire life has changed, the way I view things, my faith, what's important to me, my relationship with my mother and oddly my belief in myself. I have written many pieces about the experience, but I think what I want to share about it today is this:

2011 FLICKED MY HAPPY BEAN

I had a lot of wonderful opportunities that I'm incredibly grateful for and that I so enjoyed in 2011. I'd love to share them with you Crazytowners, along with embarrassing stories (some from behind the scenes and some from inside my head) and to say thank YOU for the all support and laughter. May we all have happy beans a flickin' in 2012!
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

I never write a newsletter so I thought I'd do Leah Bonnema: A Year In Comedy. Please click on the links to see sets from said events if you are so inclined.

2011 started out with a bang: in March Huffington Post listed me as one of their "Favorite 53 Female Comedians"  and College Candy featured one of my clips in the "Top Ten Funniest Female Comics!" I might have shit myself on both occasions. Big shout out to HuffPo and College Candy, Thank You!

Performing in a boxing ring - so much of comedy is getting used to being punched in the face!            

In the early spring my agent called with a hair modeling gig. I was excited. I have hair. However I'm not a model and being around people who know how to do makeup and contain their emotional eating habits terrifies me but I thought I should keep that myself as I was SO happy to get work. Everyone on set was completely lovely and wonderful but inside my head it was a war zone.

                    Can you tell I had to pee?! Thank goodness they do amazing hair! 

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

This is a phrase my therapist says to me over and over again "What other people think of you is none of your business!" I spent the first couple times trying to explain to her that what other people think of me is entirely my business. Like, my ACTUAL business. What was she talking about?! Was I going to have to figure out what I THINK of me?! Gross. 
-By Leah Bonnema 

This has been the hardest struggle for me. What other people think. It's embarrassing to admit. But I'm admitting it. It is hard for me to accept that some people don't like me, that some people think I did something wrong, and that I am not going to bother to try and "fix it" anymore. Someone get me an Alka-Seltzer (please). 

                                    Who's way are you gonna do it?!

Like many I was raised to be a people pleaser. Constantly worried about doing the right thing, that no ones feelings were hurt, that if other people said "You're ok" I'd somehow be good, in the eternal sense of the word. How can I change me to make you happy?! I so wanted to be right, and by right I mean for everyone else. Sheesh, I feel like one of those Daily Readings books my mom keeps by the toilet.  

GAME CHANGERS OF 2011

Each year brings new people, new things, new experiences. Here are a few of my favorite discoveries from this year; perhaps they will warm you heart and wet your panties as well (as a side note, I have tried to use "panties" in every lead line of 2011, you're welcome). 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic)

These items, or the events surrounding them by which I came across these items, are all things I am so happy and grateful for in 2011. In no particular order:

In 2011 I found Columbian Jeans & my life is forever changed. I love you Latina jean makers!

• In April 2011 I was invited to be a part of the Magner's Comedy Festival in Glasgow. I had such a wonderful time, met wonderful people and saw wonderful comedy. In my hotel room there was an electric kettle (which I have never had) and packets of instant coffee. For some reason I was so excited by the kettle and the quick as a flash coffee that I have been drinking it ever since. Does it remind me of my adventure? Is it because I hate cleaning the coffee pot? Who knows. I do feel like I should be ashamed to be drinking instant coffee. But I am not ashamed. I am aroused. 
• The Secretariat & Morning Glory power movie combo: I need underdog movies to get me through emotional fallouts (especially now that have I thrown large amounts of Zoloft and Wellbutrin to the wind). My go-to's have always been Rocky, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings (ok and maybe Hoosiers too). This year I discovered Secretariat and Morning Glory (I don't think that prior to 2011 I would have ever allow myself to watch a Disney movie or something that could be considered a rom/com). These two movies are so incredibly feel good and motivating that they pull me out of even the deepest of self loathing funks. Watching these two movies back to back is like a rousing halftime speech by Gene Hackman or mainlining The Secret. 

                              Like Troy Polamalu, Sonicare is a game changer!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

I was crashing, overwhelmed, feeling the world collapsing around me. In a moment of panic I dashed (spiraled really) down the street and into my corner Rite Aid (I find pharmacies soothing, especially the travel section), where I've spent so much money that I'm currently getting the employee discount (true story). I love to stand in the Christmas isle while listening to the carols that are being piped over the speakers between price checks - it eases the weight of the world for me. The song "My Favorite Things" came on and I felt a stab of anger right in my holiday traditions. How was this a Christmas song?! Rite Aid had betrayed me! Then I started thinking of my favorite things and the true meaning of Christmas filled my spirit and, just like the Grinch, my heart swelled and my panties warmed. 
-By Leah Bonnema (Stand Up Comic) 

The song My Favorite Things conjures up feelings of The Sound of Music and Julie Andrews spinning in the mountains. It certainly doesn't bring up images of sleigh bells and Christmas hearths. However, what I realized, standing in Rite Aid having a panic attack on that late Monday evening, is that My Favorite Things does indeed exemplify the Christmas spirit. It is a reminder to be grateful for all the wonderful things in our lives. Arms piled high with bell shaped LED lights that sound off Christmas songs when you clap, Clorox wipes and lint rollers (if you can't control the chaos at least you can remove the hair balls and sanitize it) I walked out of Rite Aid full of cheer as I thought of my favorite things. 

                                When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty