"The Poor, Neurotic, ADD-Ridden Person’s Summer Guide to Bikram Yoga in Actual 105 Degree Heat."
Miles Mandwelle (Actor/Musician)
“I HAVE A VISION.
A VISION OF YOGA.”
-The Mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
(in my dream last week)
When I arrived in Washington, D.C. a week ago to take a movement class before my job started, I had no idea that Sallie Mae was going to process my student loan payment twice on me. So when I went to the Bikram Yoga studio near my sublet, I was rather surprised when my card didn’t go through.
After endless calls to my bank and loan comopany, neither of whom gave a tinker’s damn, the heat wave began to take over, and I was suddenly inspired.
So, if you will, I present to you:
The Poor, Neurotic, ADD-Ridden Young Man’s Guide to Bikram Yoga.
You will need:
-Yoga mat or shower towel
-A handy-dandy print out of all 26 poses
-A bathing suit. Possibly the oversized one you stole from your father because you need a black one for your movement class.
-Several bottles of water. I like to freeze them first so they stay cold as long as you need them to be cold.
-If the temperature isn’t 105 F, the iguana lamp your mother gave you for Christmas one year to help with your seasonal depression (because the real ‘S.A.D. Lamps’ are too expensive and you would suffer for years before discovering the power of a daily dose of vitamin D), will do nicely.
-Lastly, you will need a space to do it. I happen to have access to a patio. Simply move your BBQ grill aside and get to it!
WARNINGS:
This work is done in bare feet, so make sure you enter your patio area with shoes, or make sure you can throw the towel/mat down close enough to the door so as not to burn your feet. Also, dirty feet, ew.
If you do Alexander technique, you will want to do your constructive rest beforehand.
Also also, if you’re self-conscious about your appendix scar or upper torso, you can leave on a shirt. It will get sweaty though.
1.
Pranayama. Clasp your hands together, fingers intertwined, and put them under your chin, creating a gentle tension between your chin and hands, and the hands guide your chin back, as your elbows spread horizontally, like a baby blue bird attempting flight for the first time. The air will be muggy and gross, but you’re definitely want to breathe as you expand. And contract. Do this a bunch of times. Maybe ten.
Then stop. And do it five times.
Water. Because it’s hot. And since there’s no teacher leading the class, you can have a water break WHENEVER YOU WANT!
2.
Ardha-Chadrasana Pada Hastasana. Or as I like to call it, “The Bendy One.” Palms together, over your head. Index fingers out. Yes, you’re sweating from your palms, and it’s dripping down the lengths of your arms. Oh, wait, your head is sweating too. Stretch to the left for a bit. Stretch to the right. You can do it again. Or you can get more water. Oooh, something shiny.
3. Uktanasa. My feet are burned from walking on the patio, barefoot so I’m going to skip this one.
4. Garusana. This one is totally, like, the tree of life. You have your left arm under your right elbow, and your hands clasped together. You’ll also try to wrap your right foot around your left leg and behin the calf. But if your feet are dirty and you don’t want sweat and dirt on your leg, you can settle for less. Hold for like, a minute. Then switch.
Water. Because I have to sing tomorrow morning.
5.
Dandayanama-janushirasana. Ok. So. You’re supposed to stand on your left leg and make it really firm, then wrap all ten fingers around the bottom of your right foot and extend the foot out, but let’s be real. Your quads are terrible, and it’s easier to just go to the rolfer when you get paid next week. NEXT.
6.
Dandayamana-Dhanurasana. This one is great for balance and those pesky inner thighs! Make your left leg super firm (like the last pose), reach out with your right hand for your right ankle and grab it! Left arm up, and extend out and over, almost like Super man, right leg and arm stretching back as the left arm stretches forward. It feels so good! Hold. Balance. Fall on your face. Laugh at yourself. Switch sides. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Oh no! On your way to get more water, you stubbed your toe on the barbeque grill (it’s karma for eating meat again!), so you feel it’s necessary to skip ahead to positions on the floor.
19.
Dhurasana. In Fitzmaurice voicework, Dhurasana is referred to as “the ribbon,” so it has a nostalgic college factor for me. What you do is lay on your stomach and grab both your ankles behind you, simultaneously pulling your ankles forward with your hands, and with your ankles, pulling away your wrists. You may be tempted to recite a line of text from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
22.
Ustrasana. Also known as “the camel.” You’re going to get onto your knees (with about six inches between kneecaps) and reach back to your heels with each hand, creating a nice stretch in your abdomen. You may be compelled to recite a passage from your imaginary best friend’s one-woman production of King Lear.
And it’s then you can really call it quits, because, let’s just face it, it's hot, there are too many shiny things and nothing is a substitute for an actual Bikram class, though the sweating and kvetching may be strikingly similar. Also you can’t get too tan because you hate it when your skin peels off. You return inside to a nice glass of water and curl up with a play on your Saturday off.
Namaste!