Crazytown

FACETOWN

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

You know, it is rather challenging to get off to a clip of old favorite Josh Hopkins shirtless on Cougartown …

… when it keeps cutting back to Courteney Cox’s bizarre new face.

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

 

BOX OFFICE SCENE

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

(ISAAC is on the phone with an ELDERLY MAN.)

ELDERLY MAN: The last two shows I’ve been to at your theater I have not been able to hear one word out of the actors’ mouths! Not one iota. At your most recent production I was in the second row, and even though I’m sure the author didn’t write a mystery, the plot was a mystery to me.
ISAAC: I’m very sorry. I do know that some of our hearing devices work better than others.
ELDERLY MAN: Well, I’ve been twice, and I don’t want to chance it again. I went and got tested, out on Long Island where they do tests, and I’m completely gone in my left ear but my right ear’s still got a little zing. They’re gonna give me my very own device, and they tell me it will fix everything for me and I will hear again. So, my question to you is: I have a ticket for next week but I’m not getting my device until the end of the month — can you switch me to a date next month when I know I’ll hear it?
ISAAC: Well, generally there are no exchanges –
ELDERLY MAN: Oh no!
ISAAC: But, let me see –
ELDERLY MAN: Oh please, sir! I love Shakespeare, I’ve seen everything, even back during the war I would go see plays, back in ’44. I can’t remember what I saw in ’44. What was it I saw in ’44? It’s gone.
ISAAC: I’ll make an exception for you.
ELDERLY MAN: Only one ticket, that’s all I have. My wife hates it, she won’t go. She hates the language – I don’t know why, she’s always talking herself. Do you have anything on a Saturday or Sunday matinee? My wife worries less if I’m at a matinee. She thinks things will happen to me out in the world, and she may be right.
ISAAC: Could you do a Wednesday matinee? I have better availability then.
ELDERLY MAN: Oh no, I go to meetings. I’m still politically active, if you can believe it.
ISAAC: (clicking through) All right, so a Saturday or Sunday matinee in April. Hmm. There’s not a whole lot left.
ELDERLY MAN: Skip it. I’ll go at night. Let her worry.
ISAAC: No, no, I actually found a matinee — Saturday the 16th at 2pm. I have a seat in the front row center.
ELDERLY MAN: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’ll take it. I’m so pleased. You’ve made an old man very happy.
ISAAC: Well, I’m glad. Just give me one second so I can process the exchange.
ELDERLY MAN: And I’ll be able to hear!
ISAAC: Yes. I’m sorry about your experience with our devices.
ELDERLY MAN: I can fake my political meetings, but I can’t fake the theater; I need to hear it. You don’t know this yet, you’re a nice young man, but it’s horrible to get old. It’s the worst thing. You want to scream and shout about it, but your arms don’t move.

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

NEW YORK MOMENT

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

(ISAAC sits on an uptown-bound A train, late at night. The train stops at 72nd Street.)

CONDUCTOR (V.O.): (over the loudspeaker) This is 72nd Street, next stop 81st Street. Stand clear of the closing doors.

(Beat.)

CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Excuse me, sir. Please pick up that garbage you just threw onto the platform.

(Beat.)

CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Yes, sir, you. In the hat. The one sticking your head out.  I’m looking at you. See me?  Hi.  Please pick up your trash and put it in a garbage can. There’s one a few steps down on the platform.  We’ll wait for you.

(People look around, laughing a bit. Others poke their heads out the open doors.)

CONDUCTOR (V.O.): There you go. You picked up the trash. Now take it to the garbage can. We’re all waiting on you, buddy. People want to get home.

(Hoops and hollers are heard from other cars.)

CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Thank you.  You don’t see me going to your place of work and throwing my trash around.  I got to be down here all day.  It’s just common courtesy.  Stand clear of the closing doors, please, 81st Street is next.

(The doors close and the train continues north.  People are laughing and clapping a little.)

CONDUCTOR (V.O.): Seriously, I don’t understand some of you.  You bring that trash down here with you, you can take it out with you too.  You leave your food, your bottles, your garbage on all of the trains and then you have the nerve to complain that the trains are dirty.
WOMAN ACROSS FROM ISAAC: Fuck!  Now we all in trouble!

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

KARAOKE

 
 
 
 

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

NEW YORK MOMENT

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

(ISAAC is on the subway, heading downtown.  He sits across from two young men.)

YOUNG MAN #1: She’s going crazy now.
YOUNG MAN #2: How so?
YOUNG MAN #1: Well, she thinks I’m cheating on her.  She’s convinced.  And, the funny thing is, I didn’t talk about her for, like, the first six months we were dating.  I didn’t tell nobody.  I kept her quiet.  And now I shout her from the rooftops.  You think she’d be pleased.  But, no, she thinks I’m cheating.
YOUNG MAN #2: She don’t believe you?
YOUNG MAN #1: No.  She wants to know why I’m posting about her on Facebook every day now.  Like that’s a bad thing all of a sudden.  I’m like, “It’s because I want everyone to know I love you,” and she’s like, “No, it’s because you’re trying to distract me.”
YOUNG MAN #2: That’s cold.
YOUNG MAN #1: Seriously.
YOUNG MAN #2: Are you cheating?
YOUNG MAN #1: What?

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

 

 

IF ANYONE CAN MAKE A THREEWAY HAPPEN HERE, IT'S PATRICIA CLARKSON

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

 

BOX OFFICE SCENE

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Hi, our tickets are in the front row, but we just had a big, heavy meal and we’re both worried we might fall asleep.
ISAAC: OK.
MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Do you have anything a little further back?
ISAAC: I don’t, we’re completely sold out.
MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Well, can you switch us with someone else? We really don’t want to insult the actors by being asleep in the front row.
ISAAC: I can’t, no. If there are seats open at intermission you are more than welcome to move into them.
MIDDLE-AGED MAN: At intermission?
ISAAC: Yes. Maybe you can just keep pinching yourselves during the first act?
MIDDLE-AGED MAN: I guess.
ISAAC: And, who knows, maybe you’ll enjoy it enough to not fall asleep.
MIDDLE-AGED MAN: I just know this play so well and am so full of pasta.

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

WAR HORSE TRANSCRIPT

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

WAR HORSE TICKETS: Want us?
ISAAC: Um, are you kidding, yes.
WAR HORSE TICKETS: How quickly can you get to Lincoln Center?
FATE: You’d better hurry. I’d hate to reverse my favor.
ISAAC: I’m here, I’m here! (taking his seat) I deliberately avoided every bit of press about this show because I want pure, unspoiled sobs. (flipping through the Playbill) Oh, it’s set in World War I!
THE AUDIENCE: We were around during World War I!
GANG OF OLDER WOMEN BEHIND ISAAC: We’re rolling six-deep and we’re rocking the assisted listening devices. Nothing’s going to get past us, except for maybe everything.
THE HORSE PUPPET: (emerges, is a marvel)
THE AUDIENCE: (claps wildly)
ISAAC: (sobs)
THE HORSE PUPPET: (bonds with hot lead actor)
OLDER WOMAN BEHIND ISAAC #1: (at full voice) Oh, look at the horse! It looks so real, so majestic.
OLDER WOMAN #2: Look, it’s running! Look, its tail is moving!
OLDER WOMAN #3: How do they doooooiiiiiiiiiit?
MAN NEXT TO IAN J.: (leans forward in his seat)
OLDER WOMAN #3: Sir! Sir! Please sit back! Please sit back! I can’t see! Sir!
OLDER WOMAN #4: (sneezes)
OLDER WOMAN #5: Bless you.
OLDER WOMAN #4: (sneezes)
OLDER WOMAN #5: Bless you.
OLDER WOMAN #4: (sneezes)
OLDER WOMAN #5: Bless you.
THE DEVIL: Oh, fuck, I was totally gonna steal her soul. If only one of those sneezes had gone unblessed! Oh well, next time. Patience, Lucifer.
OLDER WOMAN #6: When did they bring up flags? I didn’t see the flags come up! I was so busy looking at the horses!
ISAAC AND IAN J.: Sssshhh!
OLDER WOMAN #6: What?
INTERMISSION: I’m here. You’ve got fifteen minutes. Go pee.
OLD BONES: (chalky exhale)
GUY AT THE URINAL NEXT TO ISAAC: (texting and peeing)
ISAAC: Really, dude? Really?
GUY AT THE URINAL NEXT TO ISAAC: (texting and peeing) Really.
ISAAC: OK.
OLDER WOMAN #6: (to her posse) Did you see how the flags came up? When did they bring up flags? I was watching the horses! Ask the woman next to you. Ask her if she saw how the flags came up.

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

MY RED DRAGON

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

Look, dating is hard. I don’t fault Emily Watson in Red Dragon. It’s a jungle out there, and sometimes the person you meet in the clearing is a serial killer. A serial killer who spares you, which, when you think about it, is pretty romantic. It is not every man who will reckon with the demon he ultimately serves for permission to not bite off your fingers and put mirror shards in your eye sockets. I mean, he’s meeting you halfway. He loves putting mirror shards in people’s eye sockets.

Do you know how hard it is to meet a man these days who has found his calling? My standards are obviously too high. 

Yes, he eats the tongues of men, but he’s chewing with his mouth closed. Yes, he screams in the night, but he’s not screaming about some Internet meme. No, performing oral sex on him as he watches home videos of the next family he’s planning to kill is not fun, but neither is blowing a guy after you’ve seen his cabaret.

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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.

LOVE POEM FOR THE HOT YOUNG DAD HOLDING THE NEWBORN ON THE SUBWAY

by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

Lose the wife,
lose the kid,
keep the swaddling blanket,
let’s do this.