by Isaac Oliver | from his blog He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy
(ISAAC is on the phone with an ELDERLY MAN.)
ELDERLY MAN: The last two shows I’ve been to at your theater I have not been able to hear one word out of the actors’ mouths! Not one iota. At your most recent production I was in the second row, and even though I’m sure the author didn’t write a mystery, the plot was a mystery to me.
ISAAC: I’m very sorry. I do know that some of our hearing devices work better than others.
ELDERLY MAN: Well, I’ve been twice, and I don’t want to chance it again. I went and got tested, out on Long Island where they do tests, and I’m completely gone in my left ear but my right ear’s still got a little zing. They’re gonna give me my very own device, and they tell me it will fix everything for me and I will hear again. So, my question to you is: I have a ticket for next week but I’m not getting my device until the end of the month — can you switch me to a date next month when I know I’ll hear it?
ISAAC: Well, generally there are no exchanges –
ELDERLY MAN: Oh no!
ISAAC: But, let me see –
ELDERLY MAN: Oh please, sir! I love Shakespeare, I’ve seen everything, even back during the war I would go see plays, back in ’44. I can’t remember what I saw in ’44. What was it I saw in ’44? It’s gone.
ISAAC: I’ll make an exception for you.
ELDERLY MAN: Only one ticket, that’s all I have. My wife hates it, she won’t go. She hates the language – I don’t know why, she’s always talking herself. Do you have anything on a Saturday or Sunday matinee? My wife worries less if I’m at a matinee. She thinks things will happen to me out in the world, and she may be right.
ISAAC: Could you do a Wednesday matinee? I have better availability then.
ELDERLY MAN: Oh no, I go to meetings. I’m still politically active, if you can believe it.
ISAAC: (clicking through) All right, so a Saturday or Sunday matinee in April. Hmm. There’s not a whole lot left.
ELDERLY MAN: Skip it. I’ll go at night. Let her worry.
ISAAC: No, no, I actually found a matinee — Saturday the 16th at 2pm. I have a seat in the front row center.
ELDERLY MAN: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’ll take it. I’m so pleased. You’ve made an old man very happy.
ISAAC: Well, I’m glad. Just give me one second so I can process the exchange.
ELDERLY MAN: And I’ll be able to hear!
ISAAC: Yes. I’m sorry about your experience with our devices.
ELDERLY MAN: I can fake my political meetings, but I can’t fake the theater; I need to hear it. You don’t know this yet, you’re a nice young man, but it’s horrible to get old. It’s the worst thing. You want to scream and shout about it, but your arms don’t move.
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Isaac Oliver blogs regularly at He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.