By Laura Goehrke, with guest writer John Goehrke
In the spirit of today, my brother John (the Resident Horror Movie Aficionado) and I (the Resident Mainstream Movie Mastermind) have created logline pitches of 13 mashups for movies and shows we’d like to see air for the upcoming Halloween season of 2015.
Rosemary’s Baby Mama- A woman gets impregnated by the devil and then hires a lackluster babysitter to help raise it. Hilarity ensues.
Princess Bride of Chucky- A fair maiden (Robin Wright) gets whisked away by the man of her dreams, a red head demonic doll.
The Blair Witch Project Runway- A low budget reality show that captivates audiences until they find out the entire thing was scripted to begin with.
Black Christmas Story- A twisted killer Santa wreaks havoc in a small town. Spoiler alert: Santa meets his demise when a nine year old shoots out his eye with a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock.
Freaky Friday the 13th Going on 30- Teenager Jenna Rink goes away to summer camp at Crystal Lake. After an embarrassing game of 7 Minutes in Heaven, she wishes to grow up, only to find herself in the body of a seemingly indestructible serial killer donning a hockey mask.
Full House on Haunted Hill- Unspeakable experiments of torture and insanity occur to a upper-middle class family with a set of evil twins in a row house within the city limits of San Francisco.
Clockwork Orange is the New Black- A group of hooligans rob and pillage the streets of England. Ten years later, they end up in a low security prison, run by sexy lesbians.
Frankenseinfeld- A show about nothing.
Sixth Sense and Sensibility- An Ang Lee Oscar frontrunner, this epic follows the love story between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, to only shock the audience with a crazy spoiler at the end. Hopeful that this could be Haley Joel Osment’s comeback since the original in 1999 (Second Hand Lions didn’t count).
Kissing Jessica Frankenstein- Written by Jennifer Westfeldt, this romcom follows the journey of a woman who takes the plunge in dating a monster raised from the dead. She decides to stick with humans after all.
(28) Days of Summer- An artsy chick flick, featuring Zooey Deschanel before she became annoying, follows the love story between two sick teenagers who slowly die from a virus in 28 days. Lawsuits are currently pending from John Green’s attorneys.
10 Things I Hate About About Ju-on- A classic Shakespearian tale with a 90’s flavor about a haunted house with Japanese undertones.
Groundhog Day of the Dead- Another installment of George Romero’s zombie series. This one, however, may bore the audience, as it feels like we’ve seen this one before.