Crazytown

This Sunday, Steven Jamail hates American Idol...

and Shoshana Greenberg takes you through five hours of engrossing theater.

I HATE AMERICAN IDOL

By Steven Jamail (Composer and MD)

Or at least I’m told I should. Listen, I’ll join the chorus of folks that bemoan the idol take over of theater - or theater related television for that matter (though there certainly have been some inspired performances - think Fantastia). It also bumped up the use of pitchy in the vernacular - which is NOT OK. Then again, idol in so many ways is the definition of theater. Simon was never Broadway’s champion but he certainly served up plenty of drama that was often far better than what was happening on the stage. It also gave us Kelly Clarkson. She’s never graced a Broadway stage but if you’ve seen her live, you’ve seen some truly great theater. This is not from her new album (which is insanely good) but it's one of my favorite performances. I was in the audience for this and no video could really do it justice.

 

Steven Jamail is a Composer and Music Director in New York City. www.stevenjamail.com

IT'S ALWAYS RIGHT NOW UNTIL IT'S GOB SQUAD'S KITCHEN

What you get when you combine Daniel Kitson's latest show with Gob Squad's Kitchen.
By Shoshana Greenberg (Lyricist/Bookwriter)

Last Sunday I saw two extraordinary works of theater, but what made them extraordinary was not just the productions but the experience of seeing them back to back. Daniel Kitson's It's Always Right Now Until It's Later at St. Ann's Warehouse and Gob Squad's Kitchen (You've Never Had It So Good) at The Public Theater made for an engrossing five hour period in which I experienced the entirety of life itself.

Daniel Kitson in It's Always Right Now Until It's Later at St. Ann's Warehouse.

In It's Always Right Now Until It's Later, the stage is empty save a chair, a small step ladder, and dozens of light bulbs suspended from the ceiling. Kitson runs from bulb to bulb as he tells the stories of William Rivington and Caroline Carpenter--one story from birth to death and the other backward, from death to birth. The characters' lives don't intertwine, however. The stories are just about two peoples' lives and the many moments that fill them. Kitson describes life as a deluge and these moments as drops in the ocean of that flood. He says that our brains fill in the gaps between these moments, but that there are, in fact, no real gaps in time.

Gob Squad's Kitchen, and the Andy Warhol films that inspire the piece, give us the gaps.  Four members of the British-German group Gob Squad (the cast changes nightly, sometimes with the same actors playing different roles) attempt to reenact Warhol's 1965 film Kitchen, as well as parts of his movies Sleep, Eat, Kiss, and Screen Test, in which someone sleeps for eight hours, eats, engages in three-minute kisses, and sits for a long screen test, respectively. By the end of Gob Squad's delightful experiment, four members of the audience have taken the actors' places, and we are left with the hauntingly beautiful line: "In 100 years, people will look at this and say: 'That's why.'"

 

The combination of Daniel Kitson's tiny moments with Gob Squad's stretches of seemingly mundane routine equals the breath of human experience. Unfortunately, It's Always Right Now Until It's Later closes today, but you can still see Gob Squad's Kitchen at The Public Theater for one more week until February 5. You won't get the entire human experience, but you'll get a part that, as Gob Squad says, looks for "the hidden depths beneath the shiny surfaces of modern life."

SHOSHANA GREENBERG is a writer, lyricist, bookwriter, and playwright.  http://about.me/shoshanagreenberg
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insignificance

This Saturday, Bob Simpson gives you some tips on surviving the offseason...

and Jenny Donoghue presents the good and bad on the internet.

SURVIVING THE OFFSEASON

How to live in a post-football America.
By Bob Simpson (Writer)

On Monday, February 6^th, 2012, the world will end.  I’m calling it, and I have stacks and stacks of biblical proof mingled with mathematical equations that prove my theory…just like that guy with the billboards.  Why is the world ending that day?  Because it’s the day after the Super Bowl, and I won’t have any football until August.

Instead, sports fans have to endure the NBA (this shortened season isn’t short enough), the seemingly interminable March Madness tournament (Final Four Prediction: the teams with the prettiest colors, because that’s what the executive assistant at my office picks and she wins every year), and come March and April, baseball (excuse me while I cut off my foot).

Am I overreacting?  Yes.  Won’t life go on without the constant presence of America’s favorite pastime?  I’m not so sure, but I think I can help the country weather the storm.  Every year, I’m faced with the same sense of impending doom that I feel now, lodged in the back of my throat.  College football is already over, and no matter how many Pro Bowls or weeks of endless pre-Super Bowl coverage ESPN, NBC, et al shove down my gullet, I cannot escape the fact that soon, all too soon, my world is about to get very dull.

So, I’ve compiled a list of things that the average America can appreciate during the football offseason, because I’m a charitable dude.

Here they are:

        I thank God the Broncos are eliminated, too, Tim

• Reduced coverage on Tim Tebow – Of course, he’s never going to go away.  In fact, we’ll still get daily reports about Tebow, including events that he will NOT ATTEND.  That’s right, people are actually reporting on stuff because Tim Tebow will not be there.  What the crap?!  He sucks, America!  Don’t you realize that?!  He’s an AWFUL quarterback!  I don’t care if he loves Jesus, because he can’t complete a goddamn pass!  If the turf at Mile High Stadium was an eligible receiver, Tebow would have a 100% completion ratio.  I swear to baby Jesus that this guy is never going to go away.  After college, when I was so certain he would never be a viable option in the NFL, sure enough, there he was getting drafted in the FIRST FREAKING ROUND.  Then, when I was certain he would never be a viable starter in the NFL because he’s just awful, sure enough, he started for the Broncos this year.  Denver, you’re on my list forever because of your stupid ass billboards and whining about getting Tebow in the game, when he isn’t any good!  Sure he won a Heisman!  Sure he won a national championship!  That was in COLLEGE!  He sucks he sucks he sucks he sucks and don’t even get me started on his whole God thing.  Alright, anyway, hopefully we’ll see less of him during the offseason.

• Getting to know your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend better – If you’re like me, you haven’t spoken to your wife on a Sunday since July.  This is a great time to sit down on the couch with your significant other, ask her/him how she/he is feeling, while, in your head, planning your fantasy draft for next year.  Your partner will appreciate the attention, and you’ll get some much needed draft prep in early before the weeks of cramming in August.

• Offseason athlete antics – Let’s face it, there’s nothing better than watching some beefed-up, young, highly-paid athlete get into some shit during the offseason.  That’s the entire POINT of the offseason: to send some athletes to jail so we can laugh at them.  It gives the analysts stuff to talk about during that first week of the season, since nothing else has happened yet.  Here are some of my favorite offseason mishaps:

- Anything involving Cedric Benson: As much as I hate to rip on a fellow Longhorn, this guy gets into trouble every single year.  As soon as that final game of the regular season ends (and every 20 years, after the first game of the playoffs), the clock starts counting down to Benson’s next dumbass move, whether it be breaking into someone’s house to steal a TV that he swore was stolen from him, getting a BWI (that’s boating while intoxicated), or finding himself in an assortment of barroom brawls, Cedric is the king of offseason mishaps. I hope he plays forever.

- Adam “Pacman” Jones makes it rain: read the story here.  It’s the last entertaining thing that Nelly has done.

- The Love Boat Scandal: Granted, this didn’t happen during the offseason, but that’s just because nobodies been caught doing this during the offseason. I guarantee you it happens every year.

- The Brett Favre Imminent Return Conversation: The first few years that Brett Favre miraculously returned to football after retiring, it pissed me off.  I gotta say that the conversation last year was pretty entertaining, though, because no one wanted him back.  There’s a great article about Brett, bags packed, waiting outside his farm to be picked up by a football team that never arrives.  Sad, but true.  Go away, Brett.

• Ice Hockey – Full disclosure here people, but I like hockey more than I like football.  Surprised?  You should be, because this is exceedingly rare in the US.  Why then do I mourn the end of football so much?  The answer is simple: because no one in America gives a rat’s ass about ice hockey.  It’s not like I can go to the office and talk about the recent Blackhawks win, because people will laugh at me, and for good reason.  However, the end of football means that the Stanley Cup playoffs aren’t far off, and that, to me, is heaven.  Go Hawks!

• Go outside – There’s air and trees and stuff out there, and you’re totally free to enjoy it!  Just as you get sick of all that fresh air, I guarantee you football season will be just around the corner.

Enjoy the offseason, people.

BOB SIMPSON is a writer and lives in Los Angeles, where he works for an entertainment company that he'd prefer to keep anonymous, should he accidentally diss something they made. www.bobsimpsonblog.blogspot.com
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THE GOOD AND THE BAD ON THE INTERNET

Your weekly round up of the web's quirky distractions.
By Jenny Donoghue

Slate magazine made a nifty and horrifying little calaculator which reveals how long it would take Mitt Romney to make what you earn in a year. My answer didn't even enter the double digits of HOURS.

Just in case you were under the delusion that he ISN'T a reprehensible human.

In less sickening news, take a listen to this wonder of musical ingenuity.

"BON JOVIVER" = Bon Iver + Bon Jovi. A rare treat for fans of both.^[1]

 

I've listened in excess of 30 times already. Kills me that this isn't full length.

^[1] A rare and noble breed of human.

 

This Friday, Molly steps in for KMM and answers one of the most common questions about singing,

Kirsten shares a video

 and Geoff teaches you how to live your life crotch first!

 

CAN ANYONE LEARN TO SING?

A question voice teachers get asked all the time.
By Molly McCarthy-Egan(Guest for Kevin Michael Murphy)

"Can just anyone, really learn how to sing?"

Over the years, I have had this exact same conversation hundreds of times. I am finally taking to the blogosphere to attempt to dispel the myths about learning to sing.

The conversation always goes a little something like this:

ENTER CROTCH FIRST

A guide to feeling confident...or at least pretending.
By Geoffrey Kidwell (actor)

When I was a fourth grader at Our Lady of Guadalupe Elementary School (yes, that was the real name), I had a friend named, Stephanie Gabrielli. Correction: I had a FRENEMY named, Stephanie Gabrielli. You see, Stephanie and I were constantly in competition: Who could be the most popular? Who could get the best grades? Who could go the furthest in an epic lunchtime game of Four Square?

To be honest, Stephanie usually beat me out.

On one particular rainy spring day, my arch-nemesis found me on the playground and said to me – and I’m pretty sure I’m quoting directly here – “My mom is getting married and you can’t come!”

Say what?!  I was shocked.

First of all, I like to think that I would have been the ideal date. I was about four feet tall by four feet wide. I had a killer bowl haircut. And I was an expert at creating dance routines to Paula Abdul songs.

THIS SHOULD BE A MUSICAL!

They have squeezed an entire musical into one song. Excuse the typos, it's tough to see my computer screen with such misty eyes...